Jerry's apartment is robbed while he's away performing — and when a great new apartment comes up, Jerry, George and Elaine all want it.
JERRYSo I move into the centre lane, now I get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me... the finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person.
[shows several fingers to the audience] It's a finger, what
does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm
supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work? I
mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't
you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the
finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've
gotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and
uh [pretends to drive with one foot in the air and speaks to
person driving next to him] look at that toe, buddy. [puts his
foot down] I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe,
isn't it ?
at the table watching Jerry]
JERRYIs that it? Got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella, something boring to read on the plane. [zips his bag with exaggerated motions] That's it. Done!
ELAINE[claps her hands] That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen.
JERRY[proudly] I am...the master packer. umbrella] packing is no different than leading men into battle: you've gotta know the strengths and weaknesses [hits his bag rhythmically with his umbrella] of every soldier in that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks.
ELAINE[laughs] Yeah, right, you're the master packer.
JERRYWhat you must understand, Elaine, [picks up the
ELAINE'Scuse me...master packer! goes of, Jerry speaks over the intercom] George?
JERRY...Yes.
ELAINEJust gimme your keys.
JERRYAlright, sir. [tosses Elaine his keys; apartment buzzer
GEORGE[outside over the intercom] Yeah else I need to know 'bout this place?
ELAINE[Jerry opens the door] OK, so, now, is there anything
JERRYuh, yeah, the uuhh, hot water takes a little while to come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, you...come back and take a shower.
ELAINEOK, this is quite a place. minimum of two days of all expiration dates. [uses the umbrella to point to certain compartments in the refrigerator] No meat, no leftovers, no butter. [closes the refrigerator] And I cannot overstate this: no soft cheeses of any kind. Is that clear?
JERRYThere's more, the refrigerator. [Opens it] Deduct a
ELAINEI'll eat out. strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favour: do it in the tub.
JERRYOne more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity:
GEORGE[walks in] Ready? break from my roommate.
JERRYYeah, one sec.
GEORGE[closes the door] Hey, Elaine
ELAINEHi.
GEORGEComing to the airport with us?
ELAINENo, I'm staying here for the weekend. I'm getting a
GEORGEOh, the actress-waitress. some dinner-theater production of a Chorus Line. So, now all day long she's walking around the apartment singing: [singing] "God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it". She's gonna get it right in her...
ELAINENo, the waitress-actress. She just got some part in
GEORGEYou just kick her out. other place for me.
ELAINEShe's on the lease!...George you have got to find an
GEORGEYeah, well...a little ruff finding something good in your price-range. [looks like he remembers something and turns to Jerry] But you, my friend, may be in luck.
JERRYI'm not looking. on the uh, west 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park?
GEORGENo no no, this one's different, this one's a beauty!
JERRYYeah, what's it like?
GEORGEI haven't seen it yet, but it's a "two-bedroom", it's
JERRYHow much? building, it's two bedrooms!
GEORGEUh, twice what you pay in here, but it's a great
JERRYTwo bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough trouble maintaining activity in one. [George looks at Elaine with a "he's-crazy-look"; Jerry turns around] I saw that.
ELAINEYou oughtta least take a look at it. no hot water, you can't have soft cheese...
JERRYReally? Why?
ELAINE'Cause then I could move in here.
JERRYOoohhhh
ELAINEIt's time you got out a here anyway.
GEORGEYeah, tell'm, but quickly, I'm double parked here.
ELAINEListen, Jerry, this place is falling apart. You have
GEORGELet's not forget the radiator, the steam has been on here for ten years; no human can turn this off.
ELAINEJerry, come on, you're doin' OK now, you should at least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live like this.
JERRYLike this? You just said, you wanted to live here. Island to Finland.
ELAINEWell, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from
GEORGEJerry, what do ya...you wanna...you wanna see the place or not?
JERRYI can't think about it now. Come on, I'm going to Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend.
bags.]
JERRYElaine! [puts his bags down, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote control and tries to turn on his TV]
JERRY[notices the TV is missing] ELAINE! Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows?
ELAINE[from the bathroom] JERRY! [enters the living-room]
JERRYGreat, I had fun, where's the TV, where's the VCR. over.
[Elaine looks guilty] What?
ELAINEThey were stolen.
JERRYStolen? When?
ELAINEA couple a hours ago, the police are coming right
JERRYStolen? open. [it's clear that she means Kramer; she walks to the bathroom]
ELAINE[Kramer enters the apartment] Someone left the door
JERRY[to Kramer] You left the door open?! came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, 'cause I was gonna bring the spatula right back!
KRAMERUh, Jer, well ya know, I was cookin' and I, I uh, I
JERRYWait, you left the lock open or the door open? a broken voice] The Bold and the Beautiful
KRAMER[bobs his head guiltily] The door.
JERRYThe door? You left the door open?
KRAMERYeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back.
JERRYYeah, and?
KRAMERWell, I got caught up... watching a soap opera...[with
JERRYSo the door was wide open? heat up.
KRAMERWide open!
JERRY[Elaine enters the living-room] And where were you?
ELAINEI was at Bloomingdale's...waiting for the shower to
KRAMERLook, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance, right buddy?
JERRYNo. the most impenetrable lock on the market today...it has only one design flaw: the door...[shuts the door] must be CLOSED.
KRAMER[looks shocked] How can you not have insurance?
JERRYBecause...I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's
KramerJerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it, I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case!
JERRYYeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an accident.
KRAMER[theatrical] I made a mistake. jacket, a VCR and a computer...is that 'bout it?
ELAINE[idem] These things happen
KRAMER[idem] I'm human
JERRYIn your way.
report. Jerry and Elaine are there.]
POLICEMANLet's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo, one leather
ELAINEAnswering machine. of somebody out there returning my calls.
JERRY[disappointed] Answering machine. Oh, I hate the idea
POLICEMANWhat do ya mean? it and uh, we'll let you know if we uh, you know, if we find anything.
JERRYIt's a joke.
POLICEMANI see...Well, mister Seinfeld uh, we'll look into
JERRYYou ever find anything? I didn't get that joke either.
POLICEMANNo. [hands Jerry his copy of the report]
JERRYWell, thanks anyway.
POLICEMANYou bet.
ELAINE[Policeman leaves the apartment, while George enters]
JERRYThe crook has the machine. The messages aren't for him. He's the crook: why would he answer...[turns around and sees George standing behind him] How did you get in here?
GEORGE[makes some weird motions] I walked in, your lobby door is broken again.
JERRYAgain. Merman without the talent.
GEORGEI don't know how you put up with this.
ELAINEYeah, tell'm George.
JERRY[to Elaine] You would still wanna move in here?
ELAINEYes! You don't understand. I'm living with Ethel
JERRY[to George] Is that uh, other apartment still available. [George shows him the keys]
JERRYI got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now, the first couple a times you go through it, it's very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will say: "Call the police. You really should call the police." So you think to yourself, ya know, you watch TV, you think: "Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna see some real action." Right, you think that. So, the police come over to your house...they fill out: the report...they give you: your copy. Now...unless they give the crook his copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do you?...It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. "Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we can round him up, he's dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him, he's a PENGUIN!
are entering the apartment.]
ELAINE[looks around] Oh, well, come on...this is an apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live...Oohhh, a fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work? [takes a closer look at the fireplace]
GEORGEI didn't know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, this is incredible.
JERRYHow do you get all that wood in here? description] I didn't know there was a fireplace?
ELAINEThey deliver it.
JERRYThey deliver wood?
ELAINEYeah.
JERRYWhatta ya tip a "wood guy"?
GEORGE[looking intensively at the form with the apartment
ELAINELook! Look at...look at this! There's a garden. wood.
GEORGEA garden! I can't believe there's a garden!
JERRYWould I have to get a gardener?
ELAINEYeah, you can get a gardener.
JERRYYou tip him?
ELAINEYou can.
GEORGE[to Elaine] You don't tip a gardener!
ELAINEYou can tip a gardener.
GEORGEYou don't need a gardener.
ELAINEJerry, you can barbecue back here [points to garden].
JERRYThey deliver the coal?
ELAINESure, it's...probably the same guy, who delivers the
JERRYOh, than I gotta tip him. great light!
ELAINEOh damn, this place is incredible, look at all this
JERRYI don't have any plants. in it! [walks in the closet] It's a "walk-in". Can you believe it? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?!
GEORGEI have plants.
ELAINEJerry, look at this closet! Look at this! I'm walking
JERRY[closes the closet with Elaine still in it]...I like that. [opens the closet, Elaine walks out with an angry look] What do ya think, George?
GEORGEIt's your decision. his every move. Suddenly Jerry stops walking; Elaine is not able to copy this "move"; they look at each other laughing] I'm takin' it, I'm takin' the place, I'm gonna take it, this is gonna be my new place, I'm livin' here...I'm movin'.
JERRY[walks around with Elaine walking next to him, copying
ELAINE[laughing with joy] Your movin'? That means I'm movin'. [hugs Jerry] Gheeeeee [runs to George] isn't that incredible!
GEORGECongratulations. [obviously not so thrilled by the fact]
ELAINEWhat about the couch? you off on the right foot. Give me...$150 dollars. [Elaine looks shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall] Get it out a here right now, take it out the door, I don't even wanna see it, go, get it out.
JERRYYou like the couch? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do.
ELAINEWhat?
JERRYYou're movin' in, you're a good friend, I wanna start
ELAINEA $150 dollars? A $150 dollars for what? For this couch?
JERRYYeah! uh... [takes a closer look at couch] I don't know, maybe...$20 dollars?
ELAINEFor this couch?!
JERRY[shuts the door] OK, you tell me, what is it worth?
ELAINEOK, uuhh...I'll tell you what...I could go as high as
JERRY[has a "you-can't-be-serious-look" on his face; the apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry speaks over the intercom] Yeah?
GEORGE[outside over the intercom] Yeah, it's George. Oh, all right, forget it, I'm gonna take it with me now...
JERRYCome on up. [opens the door; walks back to the couch]
[picks up the cushions] I'm just gonna pack up the cushions
right now...
ELAINEOK ok ok ok, you win: $40 dollars. the hall. [acts like he's going to lift up the couch]
JERRYYou wanna get the other end, 'cause I wanna get it in
ELAINE$50 dollars, OK? $50 dollars, is that all right? the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry] All right, ghee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time.
JERRY$50 dollars?
ELAINEUh-huh.
JERRYThank you very much.
ELAINEThank you very much.
GEORGE[walks in and closes the door] Hey, what's goin' on?
ELAINEI just bought Jerry's couch for $50 dollars.
JERRY[to George] So did you bring the lease? [George takes
GEORGEOh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry [said very quickly], listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all, at all: do not feel like you have to take it.
JERRYWhy? it, don't worry about it because uh, ya know, I, I...I could take it, ya know. [said with a "for-instance-look" on his face]
GEORGEIf you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want
JERRYYou could take it? You want it? didn't want it, I might take it.
GEORGENo, I don't want it. I want it, if you don't want it.
JERRYSo you do want it.
GEORGENo I, I want it if you don't want it!
JERRYYou just said, you wanted it!
GEORGENo, I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you
JERRY[picks up the lease and hands it to George] So take it. worried] How can I take it?!
GEORGE[refuses to take the lease from Jerry; Elaine looks
JERRYHow can I take it? here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place?
GEORGEIt's your apartment!
JERRYHow can I want it now, if you want it?
ELAINEExcuse me, uuhh, I don't mean to cause any trouble
GEORGEYes, but I am not taking it. know]
JERRYI...am not taking it. [drops the lease demonstratively]
ELAINEWell, one of you better damn well take it!
JERRYWell, whatta you wanna do here?
GEORGEI, I don't know. [makes a gesture, that he doesn't
JERRYDo you wanna flip a coin? official flip! No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and that's it, agreed?
GEORGE...Who flips?...You'll flip, I'll call.
JERRYOK, fine...[takes a coin from his pocket] This is the
GEORGEI'm good. carpeting.
ELAINEI don't know, who to rune for, George's place has
JERRYAll right, now you call it in the air. the table. It falls on the floor; they all look intently at the coin]
GEORGENo catchin'.
JERRYNo no.
GEORGEFlip it. [Jerry flips the coin] Heads! [the coin hits
JERRYTails! CRAZY?!! THE COIN CAN NOT TOUCH ANYTHING, it affects it.
GEORGENo, it hit the table, it hit the table.
JERRYSo what?
GEORGEINTERFERENCE! YOU CAN'T COUNT THAT. COME ON, ARE YOU
JERRYYou didn't call no interference! just take it!
GEORGEYOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL THAT. THAT'S A RULE!!
JERRYI don't believe this.
GEORGEOh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you win. Take it,
JERRYI don't wanna win it like this! Elaine, what do ya think?
ELAINEI'd better not... Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...that's it, you gotta win three.
JERRY...Well, I'll tell ya what: I'll choose you for it.
GEORGEOK [they walk around each other]...OK. I'll choose you...whatta ya want?
JERRYOdds JERRY You got evens.
GEORGEI want evens.
JERRYGood.
GEORGEYou got odds.
GEORGERight, ready. shoot!
JERRYFor the apartment. [they take their "choose positions"]
BOTHOnce, twice, three, shoot!
JERRYMine!
BOTHOnce, twice, three, shoot!
JERRYMine! [George walks to the table to take a break]
BOTH[they take their positions again] Once, twice, three,
GEORGEMine! Congratulations...congratulations.
BOTHOnce, twice, three, shoot!
GEORGE[Jerry wins, Elaine starts measuring up Jerry's couch]
JERRYThanks. [George walks to the bathroom] I PUT UP TO?
GEORGE[screaming in bathroom] WHAT DID I PUT UP TO? WHAT DID
KRAMER[enters the apartment "Kramer-style"] Jerry, I think I'm on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the Englishman, who lives down the hall?
JERRYYeah. I think he's avoiding me.
KRAMERThe last couple a days he's been acting very strange;
JERRYHard to imagine. [ironically] him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I said to him, like I, I was like this [shows how he was acting in the elevator], I went: "Oh, by the way, I now about the stuff."
KRAMERYeah! And get this: I just got of the elevator with
JERRYRight. in to his confidence.
KRAMERYa know, very casually, so that he was gonna take me
ELAINESo what did he say? the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something! Now, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tee...if I don't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the police.
KRAMER"What stuff?".
JERRYOoh, case closed! [ironically]
KRAMERNo, you don't understand, you see, he swallowed...see,
JERRYOK, starting [looks at his watch]...NOW! you have a certain way of working out disagreements...and those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them say: "I got the front seat" [other kid's voice] "I wanted the front seat!" [first kid again] "I called it". And the other kid knows he's got nothing to say: [other kid's voice] "He called it, what can I do?". If there was a "kid-court of law" it holds up: [lawyer's voice] "Your Honour, my client did ask for the front seat"...and the judge would go: "Did he call it?" [lawyer's voice again] "Well no, he didn't call..." BANG!
KRAMERYeah! [said in his own typical way and he runs off]
JERRYOne of the problems in life is that when you're a kid,
[imitating a hammer being hit by the judge]; [judges voice
again] "He has to call it, case closed...objection overruled".
table, George is returning from the bathroom]
GEORGE[walks towards the table] I love the mirror in that bathroom! I don't know what in the hell it is: I look terrific in that mirror. [sits down] I don't know if it's the tile or the lighting...I feel like Robert Wagner.
JERRY[bobs his head] It's a good mirror...[both look at their menus] So, what are ya gettin'?
GEORGEI don't know, I can't eat, ya, ya can't have anything anymore. Look at this, look at this: eggs: out, coffee: out, french fries: out, BLT: out!...I go to visit my grandparents: three big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot! They're closing in on a hundred, I'm sayin' to them: "How can you eat that stuff?!"...[they look at their menus again] I'm so sick about losin' that choose, you don't know.
JERRYOh, right, forget it, forget it, I'm not taking the place!
GEORGEWhat?! feel comfortable.
JERRYHow can I live there?
GEORGEWhy not?!
JERRYLook at you, you're still thinking about it, I'll never
GEORGEOh, get out a here. problem.
JERRYHow can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping.
GEORGEMope?
JERRYYou're already moping!...Would you take the place?
GEORGENo, impossible! It's your apartment.
JERRYYou found the place.
GEORGEYou won the choose.
JERRYAll right, forget it, it's over, I'm not moving.
GEORGEWell, me neither.
JERRYDefinitely?
GEORGEDefinitely.
JERRYOh, than just get rid of it. You won't have any
GEORGENo, it's not a problem, I can get rid of the apartment this afternoon. [a waitress approaches]
WAITRESSWhat apartment? 83rd 'bout half block from the park.
GEORGEOh, it's a great place, it's uh "two-bedroom" uh, west
WAITRESSWhat's the rent? couch, all three moping]
Jerry, Elaine and George are invited, they're sitting on a
GEORGEI don't know, what we're doin' here, this is ridiculous.
JERRYShe wanted to thank us for the apartment. [very irritated]
ELAINEI can't believe I lost the deposit on that u-hall. [I can't quite understand what she'd saying here]And I threw out my couch. [She slaps Jerry on the leg]
JERRYIf only the coin hadn't hit the table. Larry [points to her husband; Jerry, Elaine and George get up]. This is George, Elaine and Jerry [points to them] [to Larry] These are the guys who got us the apartment.
GEORGEThe table is interference, you know it!
JERRYIt is not!
GEORGEIt is too!
ELAINEMy roommate starts rehearsal tonight on Carrousel.
[irritated]
WAITRESS(CAROL)Hi.
GEORGEHi, Carol.
CAROLI just wanted to introduce you to my husband, this is
LARRYOh, you don't know how grateful I am, if there's anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, we're just so thrilled with this place.
CAROLIt's a dream. barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable.
LARRYI'm running in the park now, I've lost weight, we're
GEORGEWe're really glad for ya. [very sadly] comes to the couch] This is my new next door neighbour, Diane.
ELAINECouldn't be happier. [idem]
JERRYIt's wonderful. [idem; they sit down again]
CAROLDiane, Diane, come here. [she beckons a women; she
[Jerry, Elaine and George get up; Diane appears to be very
attractive] [to Diane] These are the guys, who turned this
place down, can you believe it? [to Jerry, George and Elaine]
Diane gave me the greatest backrub today, she's a masseuse!
DIANEHow, how could you guys have turned this place down, it's such a great location and it's...so close to the park.
GEORGEWe're aware of the proximity to the park, yes. again; Carol walks away]
DIANEWell, it was nice to meet you. [she walks away]
GEORGENice meeting you. [shakes Carol's hand; they sit down
JERRYHow late are the stores open? I'm thinking of maybe uh, buying a new TV and smash it over my head. [two men are standing behind the couch talking]
RIGHT MANI get a call from Gilmore this morning and get this: they're restructuring the organization in Atlanta and I gotta be there on the first of the month.
LEFT MANReally? What are you gonna 'bout the apartment? JERRY, ELAINE and GEORGE: What's the rent?
RIGHT GUYWell, what can I do? Give it up.