The Chinese Restaurant

(opening monologue; first sentence kinda blurry)

Jerry(A couple of days ago I used a public phone), go over time on the call, hang up the phone, walk away. You've had this happen? Phone rings. It's the phone company... they want more money. Don't you love this? And you got them right where you want them for the first time in your life. You're on the street, there's nothing they can do. I like to let it ring a few times, you know, let her sweat a little over there, then I just pick it up, "Yeah, operator... oh, I got the money... I got the money right here... D'you hear that? (taps on microphone) That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that don't you?"

(Jerry, Elaine & George enter the Chinese restaurant)

ElaineNo, they've just got to get more cops on the force, it's as simple as that.

GeorgeCops. I don't even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage men. It's much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men. You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean.

JerryI tell you what they should do, they should combine the two jobs, make it one job, 'cop\garbage man'. I always see cops walking around with nothing to do. Grab a broom! Start sweeping. You sweep sweep sweep... catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping.

ElaineYou should run for mayor. Restaurant Manager (Bruce): How many? Elaine (to Jerry): How many? Jerry (to George): Is Tatiana coming?

JerryEhh, nobody listens.

ElaineWhere is someone? I'm starving.

GeorgeI think this is him right here.

ElaineIs there a table ready?

GeorgeI don't know, I have to call her, tell her where we are. I'm very lucky she's even considering seeing me at all.

JerryReally? I thought things were going OK. wanna make it to the movie.

GeorgeThey were, it's kinda complicated.

JerryWell what is it?

ElaineHow many?

JerryAh, alright, four. Seinfeld.

BruceFour. It'll be five, ten minutes.

GeorgeWhat do you wanna do?

ElaineLet's go someplace else, I am too hungry.

JerryWe might as well just stay here, we haven't got that much time if we

GeorgeI gotta call Tatiana. where's the phone? Jerry (to Elaine): Tatiana...

(George goes over to the public phone. There's a guy using it)

GeorgeExcuse me, are you gonna be very long? only, the big screen. My hands are tied! George (to Jerry): You know it's a public phone, you're not supposed to just chit-chat.

(guy on phone just turns the other way without answering)

BruceLashbrook(sp?), 4!

JerrySo did I do a terrible thing?

ElaineYou mean lying to your uncle?

JerryI couldn't have dinner with him. 'Plan 9 from Outer Space', one night

ElaineJerry, get menus so when we sit down we can order right away. What kind of a world do we live in?

JerryCan't look at a menu now, I gotta be at the table.

GeorgeHe knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He just doesn't wanna look.

ElaineEverything's gotta be just so with you, doesn't it?

JerryHey, I offered you those cookies in my house.

ElaineHealth cookies. I hate those little dustboard fructose things.

GeorgeI just can't believe at the way people are. What is it with humanity?

(Jerry stares at someone)

ElaineWhat? striped shirt?

JerryThere's a woman over there that looks really familiar. Dark hair,

ElaineI've never seen her before. George (to guy): Excuse me, are you going to be much longer? I have to make a very important call.

JerryI know this woman. This is gonna drive me crazy.

(a group of people comes in, one of them bumps into Elaine)

ManOh, Excuse me.

ElaineI'm sorry.

(the group just walks right into the dining room)

ElaineDidja see that? Those people, look, they're getting a table.

JerryWell maybe they were here from before.

ElaineNo no no, they weren't here before.

(guy on phone turns away again)

ElaineFind out what's going on! them.

JerryExcuse me, didn't those people just come in? I believe we were ahead of

ElaineYeah. They think they're so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you sick.

BruceWhat's your name?

JerrySeinfeld.

(Bruce starts talking to a Chinese woman in Chinese)

BruceNo, no, they were here before. Keckitch(sp?), 2!

ElaineDid you ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table?

JerryBoy, you are really hungry. George (whistles to guy on phone): Hey!

(guy on phone smiles at him and turns back. George, annoyed, goes over to Jerry)

GeorgeIf anything happens here, can I count on you? It's all so coordinated, the way his socks matching to his shirt. I really hate this guy.

JerryWhat?

GeorgeIf we decide to go at it.

JerryYeah, I wanna get into a rumble...

GeorgeI have to get in touch with Tatiana! And look at his little outfit.

ElaineI'm gonna faint... should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.

JerryGeorge, who is that woman in the stripes?

GeorgeI don't know her.

JerryShe looks so familiar.

ElaineYa know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It

JerryI'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it. anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks.

ElaineWhat do you mean?

JerryYou walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say

GeorgeWhat are they gonna do? for the rest of their lives.

JerryThey won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell

Elaine50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks? find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something...

Jerry50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.

ElaineOK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and

JerryNo, no tricks. Elaine (through her teeth): I know this sounds crazy, but the two men who are standing behind me are going to give me 50 bucks if I stand here and eat one of your eggrolls.

ElaineShould I do it, George?

GeorgeFor 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.

ElaineAlright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm doin' it.

(Elaine goes over to the table, smiling)

(the people at the table are confused)

Elaine (through teeth): I'll give you 25 if you let me do it.

People at table: What? What is she talking about? What did she say?

(Elaine runs from the table, laughing)

JerryWhat happened? Elaine (laughing): I offered them 25, they had no idea...

ElaineDid you see that?

GeorgeWhat were you doing?

JerryGeorge, the phone's free. Woman at phone: Where? I didn't see you.

GeorgeAlleluia.

(as George reaches for the phone, a woman snatches it and starts dialing)

GeorgeExcuse me, I was waiting here.

GeorgeI've been standing here for the last ten minutes! George (yelling at her): You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a civilized way.

WomanWell I won't be long.

GeorgeThat's not the point. The point is I was here first.

WomanWell if you were here first, you'd be holding the phone.

(he goes over to Jerry and Elaine)

GeorgeDoes she care? No. Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual? No. No. A resounding no!

(guy on phone approaches George)

GuyHey, sorry I took so long. see what dishes look good.

GeorgeOh that's OK, really, don't worry about it.

ElaineHow do people fast? Did Ghandi get this crazy? I'm gonna walk around,

JerryI told my uncle I had a stomach ache tonight. You think he bought that? right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily... extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need...

GeorgeYeah, well, he probably bought it.

JerrySo what happened with Tatiana?

GeorgeI shouldn't even tell you this.

JerryCome on...

GeorgeWell, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment.

JerryI'm with you.

GeorgeWell, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like

JerryThis could only happen to you. wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left".

GeorgeSo I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the

JerryYou said this to her after. unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal. It took me 3 days of phone calls to get her to agree to see me again. Now she's waiting for me to call her, and she's

GeorgeNo. During.

JerryOh, boy.

GeorgeYeah.

JerryWow! So...?

GeorgeSo I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this

(gestures towards woman on phone) still on the phone.

(Elaine comes over)

ElaineI hate this place. I don't know why we came here, I'm never coming back here again. Jerry (still trying to remember): Who is that woman?!

ElaineRemember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a delicious and exciting adventure? And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.

GeorgeShe's off. (goes over to the now available public phone) Mr. Cohen: Hey, what stinks in here? Bruce (laughing): Mr. Cohen! Haven't seen you for a couple of weeks. Mr. Cohen: Well, I've been looking for a better place.

ElaineJerry, talk to that guy again.

JerryWhat am I gonna say?

ElaineTell him we wanna catch a movie and that we're late.

(as Jerry approaches Bruce, a man walks in)

(Bruce laughs)

BruceBetter place... Want a table? Mr. Cohen: No, just bring me a plate and I'll eat here. Bruce (laughing): Give him a plate and you eat here... Come on, I give you a table.

JerryExcuse me... we've been waiting here. Now, I KNOW we were ahead of that guy, he just came in.

BruceOh no, Mr. Cohen always here. people wouldn't get off the phone.

ElaineHe's always here? What does that mean? What does that mean?

BruceOh, Mr. Cohen, very nice man. He live on Park Avenue.

ElaineWhere am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?!

GeorgeShe's not there. She left. She must've waited and left because those

JerryDidja leave a message? phone to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses. I better tell him I'm expecting a call.

GeorgeYeah, I told her to call me here and to tell anyone who answers the

ElaineOh, Jerry, here comes that woman... Lorraine (shaking her hand): Lorraine. Catalano.

JerryWhere do I know her?

(woman in stripes approaches Jerry)

LorraineHello, Jerry!

JerryHeeeeyyyy... How you doin'?

LorraineHow is everything?

JerryGood, good, good... What's goin' on?

LorraineOh, working hard. And you?

JerryOh, you know, working around, same stuff, doing... whatever.

LorraineYou haven't been around in a while.

JerryI know, I know... Well, you know.

LorraineYou should come by.

JerryDefinitely. I plan to, I'm not just saying that.

ElaineHi, I'm Elaine.

JerryI'm sorry, Lorraine, this is Elaine... leaves) Elaine (smug): Oh, nice to meet you too, Lorraine!

(They all laugh, then silent)

LorraineWell it was nice seeing you, Jerry. And nice meeting you. (she

JerryOh my god, Lorraine... that's Lorraine from my uncle's office. I'm in big, big trouble.

ElaineThe one you broke the plans with tonight? tell him she saw me here tonight. He's gonna tell his wife, his wife's gonna call my mother. Oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction of calls this is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida, it's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. My uncle to my aunt, my aunt to my mother, my mother to my uncle...

JerryYeah, she works in his office. Now she's gonna see him tomorrow and

Jerry...My uncle to my cousin, my cousin to my sister, my sister to me. over with. It's just a movie.

ElaineYou should've just had dinner with your uncle tonight and gotten in

JerryJust a movie?! You don't understand. This isn't 'Plans 1 through 8 from Outer Space', this is 'Plan 9', this is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made!

(Elaine nods)

JerryHey, I got news for you, if we're making this movie, we gotta get a table immediately.

ElaineAlright, OK. Let's stop fooling around. Let's just slip him some money.

JerryIn a Chinese restaurant? Do they take money? who did it all the time, you just slip him 20 bucks.

ElaineDo they take money? Everyone takes money. I used to go out with a guy

George20 bucks? Isn't that excessive? Once I tried to bribe an usher at the roller derby, I almost got arrested.

ElaineWell what do you want to give him, change?

GeorgeIt's more than the meal!

JerryOh, come on, We'll divide it up three ways.

GeorgeAlright. 7,7, (points at himself) 6. I'm not gonna eat that much!

JerryI'm counting your shrimps. OK, Who's gonna do it?

GeorgeOh no, I can't do it. I-I'm not good at these things, I get flustered.

ElaineI guess it's you, Jer. of bribery, can they?

JerryMe? What about you?

ElaineOh, I can't do that, it's a guy thing.

JerryThe woman's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world

ElaineGive me the money. it.

(Elaine stands close to Bruce, trying to get his attention)

ElaineHow's it going'?

BruceVery busy.

(Elaine holds the money in front of Bruce)

ElaineBoy, we are REALLY anxious to sit down.

BruceVery good specials tonight.

(Elaine puts the bill on the open reservations book)

ElaineIf there's anything you can do to get us a table we'd really appreciate

BruceWhat is your name? (he turns the page over the money) Elaine (Gives him the money): Here, take this. I'm starving. Take it! Take it!

ElaineNo no, I want to eat now! (she gets the money from under the page)

BruceYes, we have sea-bass dinner tonight, very fresh.

(Bruce shrugs and takes it)

BruceDennison, 4! (goes over to 4 ladies) Your table is ready. see that? What was that? He took the money, he didn't give us a table.

ElaineNo no, no, I want that table. I want that table! Oh, come on, did you

JerryYou lost the 20. friend here apparently made a mistake.

ElaineWell, how could he do that?

GeorgeYou didn't make it clear.

ElaineMake it clear?

JerryWhat a sorry exhibition that was. Alright, let me get the money back.

(goes over to Bruce) Excuse me. I realize, this is extremely embarrassing, my

BruceYour name? here.

JerrySeinfeld.

BruceYeah, Seinfeld 4!

JerryNo no no, you see the girl there, with the long hair?

(Elaine waves at him, smiling)

BruceOh yes, yes. Very beautiful girl, very beautiful. Is your girlfriend?

JerryWell, actually, we did date for a while, but... it's really not relevant

BruceRelationships are difficult. It's very hard to stay together- picnic tables there?

JerryAlright, listen, alright. How much longer is it gonna be?

BruceOh. In about five, ten minutes.

(Jerry goes over to Elaine and George)

GeorgeSo?

JerryThere seems to be a bit of a discrepancy.

ElaineSo when are we gonna eat?

JerryFive, ten minutes.

GeorgeWe should have left earlier. I told you.

JerryI don't see any way we can eat and make this movie.

ElaineOh, well I have to eat.

JerryWell let's just order to go, we'll eat it in the cab.

ElaineEat it in the cab? Chinese food in a cab?

JerryWe'll eat it in the movie.

ElaineOh, who do you think you're going? Do you think that they have big

JerryWell what do you suggest? let's just eat popcorn or something. Bruce (holding a phone): Cartwright?

ElaineI say we leave now, we go to 'Skyburger' and we scarf 'em down.

JerryI'm not going to 'Skyburger'. Besides, it's in the opposite direction,

ElaineI can't have popcorn for dinner! Elaine (tries to snatch food off a waiter's tray): I have to eat!

BruceCartwright?

JerrySo they have hotdogs there. just check.

ElaineOh, movie hotdogs! I rather lick the food off the floor.

GeorgeI can't go anywhere, I have to wait here for Tatiana's call. Let me

(goes over to Bruce)

GeorgeExcuse me, I'm expecting a call. Costanza? that. Nobody came up, I hang up.

BruceYeah, I just got a call. I yell 'Cartwright! Cartwright!', just like

GeorgeWell, was it for Costanza or... movies all by yourselves, I'm not in the mood.

BruceYes, yes, that's it. Nobody answered.

GeorgeWell was it a woman?

BruceYeah, yeah. I tell her you not here, she said curse word, I hang up.

(George comes over to Jerry and Elaine, stunned)

GeorgeShe called. He yelled Cartwright. I missed her.

JerryWho's Cartwright?

GeorgeI'm Cartwright!

JerryYou're not Cartwri-

GeorgeOf course I'm not Cartwright! Look, why don't you two just go to the

ElaineWell me neither, I'm goin' to 'Skyburger'. remarks to, strangers? Eh, I guess I'll just go to my uncle's.

JerrySo You're not going?

ElaineYou don't need us.

JerryWell I can't go to a bad movie by myself. Who am I gonna make sarcastic

GeorgeShould we tell him we're leaving? cannibalism. Cannibalism, what do they say, I mean, they're eating and, you know, "This is good, who is this? I like this person". You know, I mean, I would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some very deep sleep, you know what I mean? I would think, you'd be like, (pretending to wake up) "Who is that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody there? What do you want? What do you want? You look hungry, are you hungry? Get out of here!"

ElaineWhat for? Let's just get out of here.

(they all leave)

BruceSeinfeld, 4?

(closing monologue)

JerryHunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is

[END OF SHOW]