JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRYLet me speak with the head librarian. ... Because it's absurd. An overdue book from 1971? ... This is a joke right? What are you? From a radio station?

KRAMERenters Bye.

JERRYYa' got me I fell for it. Alright, OK I can be down there in like a half hour.

KRAMERWhat's the problem? in 1971 and never returned it.

JERRYThis you're not goin' to believe. The NYPL says that I took out Tropic of Cancer

KRAMERDo you know how much that comes to? That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's going to be $50,000

JERRYIt doesn't work like that. because I was with Sherry Becker. She waore this orange dress. It was the first time I ever saw her in a dress like that. In oticed since ninth grade she was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for like two years. And then one day ... FLASHBACK <to a beautiful buxom young Becky in an orange dress>

KRAMERIf it's a dime a day it could be $100,000

JERRYIt's not going to be anything. I returned the book. I remember it very vividly

JERRYThat orange dress is burned in my memory completely ridiculous.

KRAMEROh, memory burn.

JERRYI wonder what ever happened to her.

KRAMERHow did they ever find you?

JERRYOh, computers, they're cracking down now on overdue books. The whole thing is

JERRYIt's George. Wait 'til he hears we're going to the library the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks Trying to save a quarter, ooh,

KRAMERYou know I never got a library card.

JERRY<to speaker> Coming down.

KRAMERIt's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading

JERRYI gotta go to the library. You want to go? LIBRARY

KRAMERYeah,

KRAMERThe Dewey Decimal System, what a scam that was. Boy that Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal.

JERRYWhere's George TURNING TO LIBRARY COUNTER

READERShhh.

KRAMERTryin' to save a quarter.

JERRYI kinda like those sticks. I'd like to get them for my house.

JERRYThis woman's completely ignoring me. Maybe a virgin. ... Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer.

KRAMERLook at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.. ... Spinster. ...

JERRYEventually a little shot of penicillin library investigation officer Mr. Bookman.

LIBRARIANYes?

JERRYYes I called before. I got his notice in the mail.

LIBRARIANOh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our

KRAMERBookman? The library investigator's name is actually, Bookman? GEORGE ENTERS, FRANTICALLY, TUGS AT JERRY'S JACKET

LIBRARIANIt's true.

KRAMERThat's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named, Cone.

LIBRARIANLt. Bookman has been working here for 25 years so I think he's heard all the jokes.

JERRYCan I speak with this Bookman?

LIBRARIANJust a second.

GEORGEJerry, calesthetics routine

JERRYWhat?

GEORGEI think I saw him. I think it's him.

JERRYWho?

GEORGEDid you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obsenities and doing some

JERRYYeah. LIBRARIAN WALKS BY

KRAMERyeah

GEORGEI think that's Mr. Hayman. ...The gym teacher from our High School.

READERShhh.

JERRY<whispers> Are you sure?

GEORGEHe's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle, but I think it's him.

JERRYGeorge got him fired. He squealed on him.

KRAMEROoh tattle tale

GEORGE<yells> I didn't tattle

READERShh Shh

KRAMERWhat did this guy do? What happened?

GEORGEThere was an incident. I'd rather not discuss it.

KRAMEROh come on, You can tell me.

GEORGESome other time.

KRAMERWhat tonight?

KRAMERY'know I never figured you for a squealer. around here to get a library card? PENDANT PUBLISHING OFFICES

JERRYOh, he sang like a canary.

LIBRARIANMr. Bookman's not here.

JERRYNot here? Why was I told to come down here?

LIBRARIANHe'll be out all afternoon on a case.

KRAMERHe's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases?

JERRYWell what am I supposed to do now?

LIBRARIANI'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you.

JERRYAll right Thanks. Come on lets go

GEORGELet's see if it's Hayman?

KRAMERHey, uh, I'll see you boys later. <TURNS TO LIBRARIAN> So uh, what's a guy got to do

ELAINEWhere's Karen? Is there something you're not telling me because I'm getting a really weird vibe. Is Lippman getting rid of me? It's OK I won't say anything.

SECRETARYShe went to pick up lunch.

ELAINEShe didn't ask me what I wanted.

SECRETARYShe must have forgot.

ELAINEHow could she forget I've been ordering lunch every day here for 3 and a half years?

SECRETARYI don't know anything. something to know. If you really didn't know anything you would have said "You're crazy." LIPPMAN ENTERS

ELAINEAh, you don't know anything. You see, "I don't know anything", means there's

ELAINEOh, hi Mr. Lippman. Columbus, I gave you?

LIPPMANElaine,

ELAINEUm, uh, I was wondering if you got a chance to look at that , um, biography of

LIPPMANYes I did. Yes I did. ... Maureen this water is still too cold. AT MONKS

ELAINEIt's freezing. ... Hurts your teeth.

ELAINEI'm tellin' ya' somethin' is goin' on. He never likes anything I recommend. And then that lunch thing.

JERRYSo they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal! you've worked in an office. Jerry thinks I'm over reacting but you understand, ... LUNCH!

ELAINEWhat do you know. You've never worked in an office. <TURNS TO GEORGE> See,

GEORGEI don't understand lunch, I don't know anything about lunch. Listen. Just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum - does it?

ELAINEWhat did he do? "Can't stand ja". "Can't stand ja" ... He made me smell my own gym socks once.

GEORGEHe purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying, "Costanza" He'd say,

JERRYI remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps were hangin' down by his ,...

GEORGEOK, OK, I never even had him for gym. ... ME! FLASHBACK TO HIGH SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM

JERRYI had him for Hygene. Remember his teeth. It was like from an exhumed corpse.

GEORGELittle baked beans

JERRYEchh

ELAINECome on tell me what happened.

GEORGEWell, OK. As I said the guy had it in for me. He actually failed me in gym.

GEORGE... Those spastic shnitzer twins ... BACK TO MONK'S

HEYMANCan't stand ja ... Can't stand ja

GEORGEYes, Mr. Hayman

HEYMANYour underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class.

GEORGEWell I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts.

HEYMANBoxer shorts, ha? Well what brand?

GEORGEI'm not really sure, I...

HEYMANWell let's take a look.

<GEORGE: gets a wedgie>

GEORGEHe gave me a wedgie. waistband on top of the head. Very rare.

JERRYHe got fired the next day.

ELAINEWhy do they call it a wedgie?

GEORGEBecause the underwear is pulled up from the back and ... it wedges in..

JERRYThey also have an atomic wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the

ELAINEBoys are sick. guy who ruined his life. KRAMER ENTERS

JERRYWell what do girls do ?

ELAINEWe just tease some one 'til they develop an eating disorder.

KRAMERHey Babaloo, you better get home. ya. =========================================================================== STANDUP ROUTINE What's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where you go in you can take out any book you whant they just give it to you and say bring it back when you're done. It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend. And that's why everybody kinds of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time ... I'll bring it back late. ... Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel? =========================================================================== JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRYOh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?

BOOKMANYou got any coffee? forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals.

JERRYCoffee?

BOOKMANYeah. Coffee.

JERRYNo, I don't drink coffee.

BOOKMANYeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?

JERRYNo, I don't have--

BOOKMANYou don't have any instant coffee?

JERRYWell, I don't normally--

BOOKMANWho doesn't have instant coffee?

JERRYI don't.

BOOKMANYou buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you

JERRYReally? I'll have to remember that. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.

BOOKMANYou took this book out in 1971.

JERRYYes, and I returned it in 1971.

BOOKMANYeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries.

JERRYLook, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.

BOOKMANYou're a comedian, you make people laugh. it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?

JERRYI try.

BOOKMANYou think this is all a big joke, don't you?

JERRYNo, I don't.

BOOKMANI saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked

JERRYCertainly not. the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or: maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!

BOOKMANWell, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp,

<Marion sneaks into Kramer's apartment behind Bookman's back as he opens Jerry's

door to leave>

KRAMER'S APARTMENT

KRAMERWhat's wrong? JERRY'S DOORWAY

MARIONIt's Bookman the library cop.

KRAMERSo I didn't do anything wrong.

MARIONI'm supposed to be atwork. I could get fired. I shouldn't have come here.

KRAMERWhy don't ya' leave?

MARIONI can't.

JERRYNo way I'm payin' that! I returned that book I n 1971. I have a witness Sherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece of black jack gum. It's a licorice gum. What do ya' think of next I remember it.

<thinks out loud, opens phone book> Becker, ... Becker, ...

IN MONKS WITH SHERRY

SHKevin went to a public school, he's the 14 year old? We were gonna' send Marsha to a private school. Cause in some way they don't learn ... enough ... I think.

JERRYSo Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library? is sexual intercourse ."

SHI remember it like it was yesterday. It was a Friday afternoon. I wore a purple dress.

JERRYPurple? Ya' sure it wasn't orange?

SHPositive. And I was chewin' Dentyne. I always chewed dentyne. Remember Jerry? Dentyne?

JERRYNo Black Jack?

SHLicorice gum? Never! We were reading pasages to each other from that Henry Miller book,

JERRYTropic of Cancer.

SHNo, Tropic of Capricorn

JERRYTropic of Capricorn?

SHRememba? What holds the world togetha' ... "As I have learned from bitter experience

JERRYWait a second. Wait a second. You're right. I had both of them. We read from TROPIC OF CAPRICORN. I was all set to return TROPIC OF CANCER. And then ... FLASHBACK TO LOCKER ROOM

JERRYHere's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it. BACK TO MONKS

GEORGEJerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it

JERRYOk, I'll see you after school. I.m late for Hayman's hygiene.

SHWhere ya' going? It was GEORGE! LIBRARY

JERRYIt was nice seeing you again. I just remembered something. I've got to go.

KRAMERRead another poem. BOOKMAN (emerging): Hello! MARIAN (turning, surprised): Mr. Bookman.

MARIONPressed chest fleshed out west Might be the saviour or a garden pest.

KRAMERWow, that is great. You should be published.

KRAMERYou know, the library is kind of a cool place when it's closed.

MARIANOh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet. Listen to the echo: HELLO!

KRAMERHELLO!

MARIANHELLO!

KRAMERHELLO!

MARIANHELLO!

BOOKMANI remember when the librarian was a much older woman: Kindly, discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private life. We didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't have a private life. While you're thinking about that, think about this: The library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final warning. Got that, kewpie-doll? JERRY'S APARTMENT

ELAINELippman want's to see me in his office SEE ME! That can't be good next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus

JERRYMaybe you're getting' a raise.

ELAINEMaybe I'm getting' a wedgie.

ELAINEWhat?

GEORGEIt's George

ELAINEGeorge is on his way up.

JERRYWait 'til I tell him about the book.

KRAMER<reading> sobs

ELAINEAre you OK? What? What?

KRAMERIt's marion's poetry. I can't take it <leaves sobbing>

ELAINERemember that biography I recommended? MY BOSS HATED IT

<Jerry enters>.

JERRYI'm right here.

ELAINERemember that Columbus book?

JERRYColumbus, Euro trash.

GEORGEWell, it's definetly him.

ELAINEHim? Him who?

GEORGEHim who? Hayman him.

ELAINEHayman The gym teacher? You found him?

GEORGEOh, I found him. He was sitting on the steps of the library. I sat down

JERRYThat was double overtime. So I said uh, "Can't stand ya'", "Can't stand ya'" He turns and smiles, the little baked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear. There I was on the steps of the 42nd St. library , a grown man, getting a wedgie.

GEORGESo I said, "Mr. Hayman, It's me george Costanza, JFK, ... " He doesn't move.

ELAINEAt least it wasn't atomic. I agreed. You were supposed to return it. I met you in the gym locker room.

GEORGEIt was.

JERRYSo Georgie Boy, guess what happened to TROPIC OF CANCER

GEORGEHow should I know?

JERRYBecause I gave it to you.

GEORGEMe?

JERRYYesah, think. Don't you remember you kept begging me to see it then finally

GEORGEThe locker room! THE LOCKER ROOM

JERRYHere's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it. LIBRARY

GEORGEJerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it tomorrow, no problem.

JERRYAll right, I'll see you after school. I.m late for Hayman's hygiene.

HEYMANCan't Stand Ya'.

GEORGEYes Mr. Hayman.

HEYMANYour underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class.

GEORGEWell I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts.

HEYMANBoxer shorts, ha? Well what brand?

GEORGEI'm not really sure, I...

HEYMANWell let's take a look.

< Jerry writes out a check for the never-returned TROPIC OF CANCER and hands it to Bookman>

JERRYAnyway, I hope there's no hard feelings. die in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody?

BOOKMANHard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Y'ever have a man

JERRYWhat is your problem? screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle.

BOOKMANWhat's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not

JERRY<em class="inline-stage">(after Bookman exits)</em>: That is one tough monkey! <turns to Elaine> So you were saying?

ELAINEOh? So, I took your suggestion and I gave my boss Marion's poems. The ones that affected Kramer so much.

JERRYOh, beautiful did he like them? SOME BACK ALLEY

ELAINENo, ... he didn't! No, ... he didn't!

JERRY<to George> Was he out there?

GEORGENa, he's gone. I wonder what happened to him.

JERRYI guess we'll never know.

HEYMANCan't stand ya, <laughing> Can't stand ya. <pan to TROPIC OF CANCER on ground> STAND UP It was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind of like started of kind of normal. You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and then suddenly you're like in Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yellin' at ya' "Where's your jock strap?" Ya' know and kids are throwin' dodge balls at you. You're tryin' to survive ... Then its History, Science, Language. There's something off in the entire flow of that day.

[END SHOW]