George dates a beautiful woman with an imperfect nose and can't decide if he's attracted to her or repulsed by it.
Can you give me an explanation as to why the pharmacist has to be two-and-a-half feet up above everybody else? What the hell is he doing, he can't be down there on the floor with you and me? Brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear physicists, we're all on the same level. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills. Spread out, give me some room." The only hard part of his whole job that I could see is typing everything onto that little tiny label. He has to try and get all the words on there, keep the paper in the- it's a little piece of paper, in the roller of the typewriter. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Yeah, I'd like to get this prescription filled." "Alright, and you wait down there, only I'm allowed up here."
First scene.
Jerry and George are at a newsstand.
GeorgeWhere'd you meet her? What got into you?
JerryI met her on an elevator.
GeorgeOn an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?
JerryImpossible, right?
GeorgeYou got less than sixty seconds. That's like dismantling a time bomb.
JerryI don't know. She was so beautiful, it was like a pure reflex. The words just came out of my mouth.
GeorgeWow. What'd you say? owner) Do you know what the crop circles are?
(flashback to Jerry and Isabel on the elevator)
JerryYou know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England.
(end of flashback)
GeorgeWow.
JerryCan you believe I did that?
GeorgeWhat did she say?
(another flashback)
IsabelWhat crop circles?
(end of flashback)
JerryNot a good sign.
GeorgeNot everybody knows what the crop circles are. (to the newsstand
Newsstand ownerCrop circles? Why don't you buy something? afternoon.
JerryYou got something in your teeth there.
GeorgeWhat?
JerryIt's green.
GeorgeOh, man, it's spinach! I've been walking around like this all
JerryDid you bump into anybody you knew? teeth.)
GeorgeI had a job interview.
JerryHow'd it go?
GeorgeTake a guess.
(flashback to George's job interview, with close-ups of George's spinached
InterviewerWell, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing available at the present time, but should anything open up, we'll be in touch.
GeorgeOk, thanks. psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big.
(end of flashback)
JerryWhat do you need a job, you got Audrey.
GeorgeYeah, right.
JerryWhat's the matter?
GeorgeOh, nothing.
JerryWhat?
GeorgeYou won't think I'm a bad person?
JerryToo late for that.
George'Cause believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a
JerryYeah, she's got a big nose. short of perfection.
GeorgeI mean, big would even be ok, a little beyond big.
(momentary flashback to Audrey's tremendous nose)
JerryIt's a schnoz.
GeorgeNow, I'm aware that my own physical dimensions are perhaps a little
JerryA little. grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing. But I have to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the nose. I don't ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed at night, I tell myself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I think about it. I look at her, I see nose.
GeorgeSo who am I to be thinking about someone's nose? I mean, I should be
JerryStop being so concerned with looks. smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first place. She'd be out of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her, I know that. And I know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose.
(momentary flashback to Isabel giving Jerry her number)
JerryHave you said anything to her about it?
GeorgeI could never do that. You know the ironic thing is if she had a
JerryAlright, shut up, here they come. George (waving): How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing.
Jerry, Elaine, George, Audrey and Kramer are sharing a pizza at Jerry's
apartment.
KramerSo my mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house so, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows up and he takes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail fraud. So Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell the landlord that you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison.
ElaineWon't the landlord know I'm not the daughter? back there tonight, you know, I'm not gonna pay another cover charge.
KramerNo no, he's never met her. She's in California.
ElaineAre you coming with me?
KramerOh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fianc, Peter Von Nostrand.
GeorgeWhy don't you just commit yourself already?
AudreyWhat is so special about this jacket?
ElaineHe believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women.
AudreyWhat's the smudge on your hand?
KramerOh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. Yeah, I'm going
GeorgeWhat, you didn't wash all day? this club. Ohh, man.
KramerYeah, I washed, just not the hand. You wouldn't believe the women at
AudreyIt's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating.
KramerWell, you're as pretty as any of them, you just need a nose job. Mid-episode monologue. But what would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About thirteen seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry. Your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later, no problem, good-bye, ok, thank you very much."
ElaineKramer!
KramerWhat? What?
ElaineHow could you say something like that?!
KramerWhat? What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job.
ElaineNo no, there's nothing wrong with her nose! I'm so sorry, Audrey.
AudreyNo, it's ok.
ElaineWhat did you have to say that for?
KramerWell, I was just trying to help out.
ElaineYeah? Well, you can kiss that jacket goodbye, Mr. Von Nozzin.
KramerYou see what happens when you try to be nice?
George and Audrey are in Elaine's apartment.
AudreyElaine said I could stay with her another month until Tina gets back. What are you thinking about?
GeorgeThinking? Nothing. What could I possibly be thinking? So how about that Kramer, huh?
AudreyYou look like you've got something on your mind.
GeorgeOh, yeah, right. I wish I had something on my mind. <em class="inline-stage">(pregnant pause)</em>
AudreyHow about him? these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting.
GeorgeThey way he just says stuff.
AudreyHe sure does.
GeorgeYeah. Yeah, he's quite a character.
AudreySo, what did you think?
GeorgeAbout the pizza?
AudreyNo, about the nose job.
GeorgeOh, the nose job. I don't know, what did you think?
AudreyWell, I've thought about it, but I don't know.
GeorgeYeah. <em class="inline-stage">(another pause)</em> Not that I care, one way or the other, but
AudreyI know, they're good. had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...
GeorgePeter Jennings had one.
AudreyReally?
GeorgeProbably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class
AudreyUh huh. this: Unfortunately, we live in a very superficial society. I don't condone it, but it's a fact of life.
GeorgeIt's really nothing, it's like going to the dentist.
AudreyI hate the dentist.
GeorgeIt's a cleaning.
AudreySo you really think I should do this?
GeorgeIf it makes you happy, I don't focus on these things. I will tell you
AudreyWell, maybe I should. Elaine (barging in): Aw, now you talked her into getting a nose job?
GeorgeWhat the hell.
GeorgeMe? I didn't say anything. George (checking his watch): Hey, let's get the check, she's taking the bandages off at four o'clock.
ElaineYou encouraged her to get one.
GeorgeI didn't encourage. No encourage.
ElainePeter Jennings had one?
GeorgeIt's possible.
ElaineWell, I think you should accept her for who she is.
AudreyNo, George is right. I want to get one.
ElaineI think it's a mistake.
GeorgeMe too, really. Unless you'd really like to get one.
Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.
GeorgeI'm going straight to hell, no two ways about it.
JerryWell, it might not be hell but you're gonna run into some bad dudes.
JerryWe have time. met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.
GeorgeIt's exciting, isn't it? She's gonna have a whole new face.
JerryIt is exciting.
GeorgeOf course, not as exciting as miss crop circles, but...
JerryPlease, please, Isabel? She is the most despicable woman I have ever
GeorgeYou're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty. scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex, I'm helpless, I'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day.
JerryThen what?
GeorgeHe still wins but it's not a blowout.
JerryShe wants to be an actress. She makes me read these moronic acting
(flashback to Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment)
Jerry (holding up a piece of paper): I don't want to see this woman anymore but
I haven't got the will power to throw out her number. Please, help me. Help
me.
Kramer (taking the paper and tearing it to pieces): I'm proud of you.
(end of flashback)
JerrySo I'm never gonna see her again, I'm going cold turkey. just completely uninhibited.
GeorgeGood for you.
JerryI'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I was like an animal. I mean it was
GeorgeIt's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
JerryIt's not like that at all. I was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? Now that you're gonna be a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. You know, like if you'd listened to your friend, Elaine,
Elaine, George, Jerry, Kramer and Audrey are at Elaine's apartment.
ElaineHow do you even know the jacket is there?
KramerWell I don't, I'm guessing.
GeorgeOkay, look, Audrey, before you take the bandage off just remember that
AudreyGeorge? Audrey removed the bandage, the gang tries to disguise their horror.
GeorgeYeah?
AudreyEnough.
JerryAlright, are we ready? Come on, let's get this show on the road.
ElaineAre you sure you want us here for this?
AudreyYes.
JerryShouldn't a doctor do it?
AudreyNo, he said I could do it. Okay, here goes.
GeorgeVery exciting, very exciting, it's like watching a birth.
ElaineIt looks good. George faints. An undetermined time later, Jerry and Elaine are helping George to his feet.
JerryGreat job.
KramerYou got butchered.
JerryLet's put him over here. Kramer (to a fleeing Audrey): Where are you going? Audrey (with hand covering nose): To the doctor!
KramerWait, wait, wait, I'll go with you. Kramer leaves, Elaine sits on the couch near George.
ElaineHow ya feeling? science. Can't stop it, you can't stop it. Can't stop science. Can't be stopped, no way, no how, science just marches--
GeorgeToo much salt in my diet.
ElaineCan I get you anything?
GeorgeNah, I'm good.
ElaineYou sure? Anything?
GeorgeMmm, no. Boy, it really didn't come out too well, did it?
ElaineNo, it didn't. No, it didn't.
GeorgeIt's like, all dented.
ElaineSeems to be.
GeorgeWell, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it. You can't stop modern
ElaineShut up, George. Jerry has cracked.
GeorgeShut up?
ElaineYeah.
GeorgeInteresting.
Jerry and Kramer are at Jerry's apartment. Kramer is pouring a bowl of cereal,
JerryCome on, Kramer, seriously, give me her number! Yeah! (Jerry falls to the floor and starts arranging pieces) Look at you! Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look in the mirror, cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand by and do it anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching you destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside! Kramer storms out, then storms back in to grab the box of cereal and the bowl, then storms out again.
KramerI don't have it, I threw it out.
JerryYou're lying! You got it, I want that number!
KramerI told you, I threw it out.
JerryGive it to me!
KramerYou told me not to give it to you, you made me promise.
JerryWell, I changed my mind, I want that number.
KramerYou said, no matter what you do or say, I'm not to give you the number.
JerryI was lying, give it to me!
KramerNo, you told me not to!
JerryI want that number!
KramerAlright! <em class="inline-stage">(flinging pieces of torn paper to the ground)</em> Yeah! Yeah!
George and Audrey are at the coffee shop, Audrey is talking about her nose,
George is trying not to look at it.
AudreyThe doctor said that they need to build the lateral wall of the septum. Over here...
GeorgeYeah. George (removing his glasses) You know, Hawaii could be a little tricky right now, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time of year, there's a lot of debris constantly flying around. Wood, and uh, lava, pretty dangerous.
AudreyYou see this perinasal sinus cavity?
GeorgeOh, I got it.
AudreyYou see how it's collapsing? That's what's causing this huge dent.
GeorgeYeah, phew.
AudreySo anyway, George, do you know what I was thinking about?
GeorgeWhat?
AudreyRemember we talked about taking a trip together?
GeorgeWe did?
AudreyYeah, we talked about going to Hawaii?
GeorgeHawaii?
AudreyAnyway, I think it would be great to get away after all this.
AudreyI never heard that. right now. I get those FAA reports directly. My uncle sends them to me, he used to be a pilot, so. Big investigation in the, uh, what's the word there, uh, offing. It's in the offing. But, you know, you shouldn't let that stop you from going. You could go. I don't mind.
GeorgeOh yeah. My friend lived there.
AudreyWe could go to the Caribbean.
GeorgeYou know, I have to tell you something. You couldn't get me on a plane
AudreyGeorge, I don't think this is working. Nelson, I don't even know who you are anymore.
Jerry is rehearsing with Isabel.
IsabelEver since you came back from the Army, you've changed. I swear
JerryI'm Nelson! need more time.
IsabelThat's not the line, Jerry.
JerryAlright, alright, I'm sorry. <em class="inline-stage">(reading)</em> Nothing's changed, Alma, I just
IsabelI swear, Nelson, sometimes at night, when you're not around, I just go crazy thinking about you.
JerryWell, you just need to relax. Maybe a hobby, bowling is fun. Jerry (to himself): Uh oh. My organs are playing chess again.
IsabelYeah, bowling's good if you're really gross and ugly.
with a similarly visible Jerry's penis.
Jerry's BrainWell I'm getting a little tired of this. What do you say we play one for all the marbles?
Jerry's PenisOh Brain, what are you doing? You cannot beat me. Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Forget about it!
Jerry's BrainI can't take her anymore. I hate reading her stupid little acting scenes.
Jerry's PenisOh, so what? So you read from a little play. You can't put up with that for an hour to make me happy? You're so selfish. Give me one hour, then I will take over, you will not have to think for the rest of the night.
Jerry's BrainWhat about tomorrow morning? Do you have any idea what that's like for me? Do you care? No, you don't care. So long as you get to do whatever it is you do. You disgust me.
Jerry's PenisOh, go read a book. the hospital. Kramer (filling a pipe): Yeah, yeah, ok, now uh, you're clear, you got everything?
Jerry's BrainEnough chatting, let's play.
Elaine and Kramer are outside the landlord's apartment.
ElaineYou know the only reason I'm doing this is because you took Audrey to
ElaineYeah. Kramer (lighting his pipe): It's my mom's. A stout man walks around the corner.
KramerWait wait wait wait wait. <em class="inline-stage">(putting a ring on Elaine's finger)</em> Here.
ElaineWhat do I need this for?
KramerBecause we're engaged.
ElaineWe're engaged?
KramerUm hm.
ElaineKramer, this is too big.
LandlordHello? asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him.
ElaineOh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert Pepper's daughter. My father
LandlordOh, hello Miss Pepper, it's a pleasure to meet you. <em class="inline-stage">(To Kramer)</em> And you must be Professor Von Nostrand?
KramerYes, yes I am. you're doing.
LandlordI've read your book, Professor, and I was quite intrigued by it.
KramerUh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing.
LandlordTell me, is it your contention that Shakespeare was an imposter?
KramerMy contention?
LandlordYes, your contention.
KramerYes, that's my contention.
ElaineI heard him contend that.
LandlordIt's too bad about your father.
ElaineOh, it was a frame-up.
LandlordA fine man, he spoke often of you. He's very proud of the work
ElaineOh, well, we're all proud of the work I'm doing. anyone, but I suppose I can make an exception in your case. The closet's this way.
KramerShe does fine work.
LandlordYour father gave me strict orders not to turn the jacket over to
ElaineHow kind of you. Kramer enters after Elaine, banging his pipe on the door frame.
LandlordYou know, your father has a very extensive wardrobe.
Jerry's Brain and Penis are still playing chess, Jerry's Brain appears to have
the upper hand.
Jerry's BrainWhat's the matter, fella? You look a little tired. Ha ha ha ha ha!
IsabelNelson, don't you see? You are a part of me, and I, I am a part of you.
Jerry's PenisIt's killing me. <em class="inline-stage">(Makes a move)</em> Jerry's Penis (beginning to cough and struggle): Getting weak... Losing power... You haven't seen the last of me. I'll be back. You're nothing without me. Nothing! Jerry's Penis disappears with an audible pop. Jerry's Brain (before disappearing himself): Punk.
Jerry's BrainThat's your move?
Jerry's PenisYeah.
Jerry's BrainWell that's trouble, my friend. That's big trouble. Checkmate!
JerryIsabel, uh, I don't think this is working. Isabel checks the script with a puzzled look on her face. Back to Elaine, Kramer and the landlord at Albert Pepper's apartment.
ElaineDaddy certainly does have an extensive wardrobe. popular with the ladies.
LandlordHe is a fine dresser and I'm sure I don't have to tell you he's quite
ElaineMy father, really? I had no idea. around about two years ago, looked a lot like you, Professor. Could have been your mother. What was her name again? Carter? Kramer! That's it, Babs Kramer. Nasty woman, many a night I had to throw her out on the street, drunken stumblebum.
LandlordYes, they're crazy about him. There was one in particular, came
KramerYou don't say? can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees, screaming down the hall, "Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy ape, and bring back that box of Danish!" Throughout the landlord's narrative, Kramer becomes more and more agitated. Finally, he grabs the pipe out of his mouth.
ElaineI found it!
LandlordThe woman used to walk around here half naked, sucking Colt 45 from a
The four are at their usual booth at the coffee shop.
KramerSo I grabbed the guy by the collar. Kramer shows off the fruits of their labor; he's wearing the jacket. Audrey walks in, her nose has been repaired and she's absolutely beautiful.
ElaineYeah, and I yelled out, Kramer! Kramer, you're killing him!"
JerrySo I assume the jig was up.
ElaineYeah, pretty much.
AudreyHi. Audrey (to George): Hello. George (smitten): Audrey? My god, you look incredible! I can't believe it! Audrey (motioning to Kramer): Well, it was his doctor. He was wonderful.
ElaineHi!
JerryHey.
ElaineSo, will I see you later tonight? Kramer (rising and putting his arm around Audrey's shoulder): Well, I'll check you guys out later. (To Audrey) Ready? Audrey (holding up her hand to show the stamp): I didn't wash.
AudreyNot sure.
KramerNeither did I. We're off to the Reggae Lounge. Elaine (after they leave): Isn't she beautiful? Her nose is in such perfect proportion with the rest of her face. She's breathtaking! Who would have though she's like-- George (interrupting): Elaine. Shut up. Closing monologue The technical term for a nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay? Do we really need to insult the person at this particular moment of their lives? They know they have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really need the abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything else? When someone goes in for a hair transplant, they don't go, "We're going to perform a cue-ballectomy on you, Mr. Johnson. We're going to attempt to remove the skinheadia of your chrome-domus which is the technical term."
[END SHOW]