ACT 1

(Nina’s art studio. Kramer is posing for Nina (Jerry’s current girlfriend.)

NINA(laughing) Kramer, would you hold still? I can’t do this if you keep moving.

KRAMERYou sure you don’t want me to take my clothes off? (beat) I’ll do it! Why do they put buttons on a fly? It takes ten minutes to get these things open!

NINANo, that’s the last thing in the world I want you to do.

KRAMERWell, why don’t you take your clothes off?

NINAI don’t know... I don’t think Jerry would like that.

KRAMER(debonair smile) Well, it’d be our little secret.

(CUT TO: Jerry’s apartment)

GEORGE(bursting out of the bathroom, fumbling with his fly) Button fly!

JERRYI like the button fly. metal teeth. It’s like a mink trap down there. (beat) What are you doing today?

GEORGE(incredulous) What?

JERRYThat is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking

GEORGENothing. paintings?

JERRYI have to go meet Nina. Want to come up to her lot, check out her

GEORGEI don’t get art. someone explain the explanation.

JERRYThere’s nothing to get.

GEORGEWell, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have

JERRYShe does a lot of abstract stuff. In fact she's painting Kramer right now.

GEORGEWhat for? they're dark brown, like rich, Columbian coffee.

JERRYShe sees something in him.

GEORGESo do I, but I wouldn't hang it on a wall.

(CUT TO: Nina's studio again--same scene)

KRAMERAre you getting the eyes? 'Cause they're brown. (beat) Or, really,

NINATell me about Elaine. getting fixed up for a friendship.

KRAMERShe and Jerry were a big thing, like Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd.

NINABut, they're still friends.

KRAMEROh yeah, they're like this (holds up two fingers together).

NINADon't you think that's strange?

KRAMERWhy, what's the difference?

NINAWell, are you still friends with any of your ex-girlfriends?

KRAMERWell, you know... I, uh... have many relationships.

(CUT TO: the door outside Nina's studio)

GEORGEYou know, I'm a little nervous.

JERRYWhy?

GEORGEWell, you know... the friend meeting the new woman. I feel like I'm

JERRYI don't know how long this is gonna last. fun with anyone but her. (knocks on the door)

GEORGEReally? I thought you liked her.

JERRYI do... she's got like a jealousy thing. She doesn't like me having

GEORGEYou know, it's a miracle you're not married. (beat) Hey, I'm not obligated to buy anything, am I?

(Nina opens the door)

JERRYHi, Nina. (smooch) This is my friend George. the painting-in-progress [Kramer] and picks up a brush.)

NINAHow nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you. (George nods)

JERRY(walking over to where Kramer is posing) Hey, look at this guy!

KRAMERYeah!

JERRY(to Nina) I brought George up to see some of your paintings.

NINAOh, are you interested?

GEORGE(looking uncomfortable) Um... yeah! Sure, sure I'm interested.

KRAMERGeorge, you gonna buy a painting?

GEORGE(gritting teeth) Yeah, sure.

NINAAre you an art-lover?

GEORGEI am an art-adorer! I adore art.

NINAGreat! Well, take a look around. Pick out something you like.

(George reluctantly begins to look around, while Jerry strolls over to

JERRYMay I? (pantomimes making a big "X" across the painting) Jerry a small white envelope)

NINA(laughing) Get outta here! (beat) Here, play with this. (hands

JERRYWhat's this? afternoon. Owner's box, first row behind the dugout.

NINAMy father gave me four tickets to the Yankee game for Saturday

JERRY(sincerely disappointed) Oh, Saturday... I'm working, I'm going out of town.

NINAOh, well. I'm not gonna go without you. Do you guys want 'em? ing at and happens to be holding) You like that one?

KRAMER(immediately) Yeah.

JERRYThey're right behind the dugout, George, first row!

GEORGEBehind the dugout, are you kidding? How did you get them?

NINAOh, my father's the Yankees accountant... it's the owner's box.

GEORGEAll my life I've dreamed of sitting front row, behind the dugout!

NINA(gesturing towards a small, ugly painting George was apparently look-

(CUT TO: Saturday, the game. George, Kramer, and Elaine are being lead

to their seats)

GEORGELook at where we are! (referring to the seat usher) He's not stopping! He just keeps going and going and going! (the usher abruptly stops at the second row) We're not in the first row?

USHERNo, no, these are your seats. on the dugout!

GEORGEShe said first row! Right behind the dugout!

ELAINEWell, it's the second row. It's just as good.

GEORGEI was all primed for the first row; I was gonna put my feet up

ELAINEWould you shut up? These are great! You can't get any better than this.

GEORGEOh, there's better, (pointing at the row in front of them) right there, that's better.

KRAMERRight. (Elaine giggles) Oh boy... okay, who wants a dog? (Kramer hands out the hot dogs)What a great day!

ELAINEI could've been at my boss' son's bris right now. go to a circumcision?

GEORGE(amused) You're supposed to do that?

ELAINE(shrugs) Yeah. (beat) What makes you think anyone would want to

GEORGEI'd rather go to a hanging. in the hospital in Maryland. (George laughs)

ELAINEAnyway, I called him back... I told him I had to go visit my father

KRAMER(screaming at the players on the field) YOU BETTER CATCH IT, JOHNNY, 'CAUSE THIS AIN'T PHILIDELPHIA!!

(a man approaches the trio)

MANGeorge? better take off that Orioles cap.

GEORGEYeah?

MANHi. I'm Leonard West, Nina's father.

GEORGEHi! Mr. West, this is my friend Elaine--

ELAINEHi!

KRAMER(screaming again) HEY, 230 AIN'T GONNA CUT IT IN THIS TOWN, BABE!

GEORGE--and this is Kramer.

KRAMEROh, hey.

(the Yankees make a good play, the crowd applauds)

WESTSo how are the seats?

GEORGEOkay.

ELAINEGreat, great.

KRAMERYeah.

WESTGeorge, I heard you bought one of Nina's paintings.

GEORGEYeah, it's being framed right now. I don't even know what it costs.

(beat) Not, uh, too expensive, is it?

WESTWell, if you have a lot of money.

(Yankees make a horrible play, the crowd responds)

WEST(leaving) Well, enjoy the game. (beat -- to Elaine) I think you

ELAINE(thinking he's joking) Yeah. I better! think it's a good idea.

WESTNo, no, no. Seriously. You're in the owner's box, and I don't

ELAINEYou're not serious. you wore an Orioles cap.

WESTYes, yes, yes, I am!

ELAINEWell, did he say that?

WESTNo, no, but he gave me the seats. I don't think he'd like it if

ELAINEWell maybe you should ask him! not?

WESTI don't have to ask him! Now are you gonna take the hat off or

ELAINENo! I don't have to take it off, why should I take it off? This is ridiculous!!

GEORGEJust take the cap off. GEORGE'S hat, and throwing it onto the field... West calls security over, they proceed to remove Elaine)

ELAINEGeorge, we are at a baseball game! This is America!

WESTLook. Either you take the cap off, or you'll have to leave.

ELAINEWell, I don't care, I'm not taking it off.

GEORGEJust take the cap off!

ELAINENo!

(a fight starts between Elaine and George; Elaine ends up taking off

KRAMERHey! Just wait a minute. We just got here! to where Kramer is: the ball knocks him squarely in the head, he falls off the dugout onto the crowd) END OF ACT 1 =============================================================================

GEORGE(to Elaine) Do you want us to go with you?

KRAMER(getting up) I'll go get your hat, George.

ELAINE(sarcastically, to George) Stay!

GEORGEOkay, we'll go!

(meanwhile Kramer is climbing over the dugout retrieve George's cap... the

ACT 2

(Jerry's apartment--day)

ELAINE...and then the ball hits him in the head and he falls right over the railing!

JERRYIs he okay? know, the x-rays were all negative. (beat) It was quite a day!

ELAINEWell, yeah, he's fine! We took him to the emergency room, and you

JERRYThis is the most amazing story I've ever heard--why did he want you to take off the baseball cap? That is so insane!

ELAINEI know! Can you imagine that? we made the paper. Eh? Look at this- page 2, sports section... we're all in the picture.

(Kramer enters with a bandage wrapper around his forehead)

JERRYHow you feeling?

KRAMEROh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (beat--holds up newspaper) Hey,

ELAINEWha- a picture? Oh my g-I make up one little white lie and they put my picture in the paper!

KRAMERA picture.

ELAINEOUR PICTURE'S IN THERE??

KRAMERUh-huh.

(they all crowd around, looking at the picture)

ELAINE(gasps) I cannot believe this!

JERRY(pointing) There's George!

KRAMERYup, yup!

ELAINEOhmygod! Lippman could see this! He thinks I was visiting my father!

(CUT TO: Lippman's office. Lippman is at his desk, Elaine enters.)

ELAINEHi, Mr. Lippman. LIPPMAN:How's your father?

ELAINEMy, my father? LIPPMAN:Yeah. You, you went to see him, right?

ELAINEYeah. LIPPMAN:Uh-huh.

ELAINEI went to visit him. LIPPMAN:Uh-huh. So, what was wrong with him?

ELAINEWell, you name it, uh, neuritis, uh, neuralgia... LIPPMAN:But--but he's feeling better now?

ELAINEUm, yup. Yes, yes, it just... such a miracle, um. My visit must have buoyed (Elaine says "boyed") his spirits. LIPPMAN:(correcting her) Boo-eed.

ELAINEWhat--what did I say? LIPPMAN:You said "boyed."

ELAINEI did? LIPPMAN:Yeah.

(Elaine starts to laugh hysterically, and at the same time discreetly removes

Lippman's sports section from his desk. She manages to maneuver it into her

lap, out of sight.)

LIPPMAN:Well, I got a plane to catch.

ELAINEOh! Where are you going? LIPPMAN:Going to Houston. It's a publisher's convention. (beat) Can I have my sports section?

ELAINEAh. ...Yeah. LIPPMAN:I've been saving it for the plane. I never miss the Sunday sports section.

ELAINEThere's nothing to read, it's just yesterday's news. You know, the Yankees won, the Mets lost, Ricky Henderson's unhappy... LIPPMAN:Right, right. (starts to take the paper from Elaine's hand; Elaine holds on tight.) What, what are you doing?

ELAINEWha-- oh! (noticing her hand) Oh, god! (laughs) That is the THIRD time today I have done that! BLAAAH! (laughs again) Grabbing news- papers... I'm just tugging at 'em... (laughs) LIPPMAN:Gotta go.

ELAINEOkay! Well, you know, have a nice trip, and uh... alrighty! (beat) I'll just hold down the, uh, fort!

(CUT TO: Nina's studio. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are admiring Nina's "Kramer.")

MRS.ARM:I sense great vulcrability. A land child crying out for love, an

innocent orphan in the post-modern world.

MR. ARM:I see a parasite.

MRS.ARM:A sexually-depraved miscrient, who is seeking to gratify only his

most basic and immediate urges.

(CUT TO: Another part of the studio where Jerry and Nina are arguing.)

NINAShe was a guest of my father's. She should've taken the cap off. at a baseball game. (beat) How can you defend that?

JERRYIt's preposterous! They ask someone to take off a baseball cap

(CUT TO: Armstrongs admiring painting again.)

MRS.ARM:He is struggled, he is man-struggled. He lifts my spirit!

MR. ARM:He is a loathsome, offensive brute, yet I can't look away.

(CUT TO: Jerry and Nina again.)

JERRYLook, I'm really getting tired off all the fighting. Maybe we should just end this before we really start hating each other.

NINAOh, well, you wouldn't want that because you always have to remain friends!

JERRYWell, I like to remain friends with people I was friends with! Tell him he owes me $500!

NINAHey -- why don't you just go then! And -- oh, give this to George.

(CUT TO: Armstrongs)

MRS.ARM:He transcends time and space.

MR. ARM:He sickens me.

MRS.ARM:I love it.

MR. ARM:Me too.

(CUT TO: Jerry's apartment.)

GEORGEFive-hundred dollars?! What? lines! (beat) Are you telling me you couldn't paint this?

JERRYThat's what she told me!

GEORGEI'm not paying $500 for this! It's a piece of junk!

JERRYThat's what it costs!

GEORGEWhy did you even take it? You broke up with her!

JERRYI wasn't thinking! I don't know.

GEORGEYou weren't thinking.

JERRYWell, she framed it and everything.

GEORGEWell, I'm not buying it. No way. Forget it. No way I'm buying this!

(beat) I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly

JERRYDo you want me to paint you something? I'd love to paint you some- thing!

GEORGEI'm not paying for this. If you were going out with her, it'd be a different story.

KRAMER(entering, handing Jerry a piece of paper) This was in front of your door.

GEORGEHey, Kramer. seen!

KRAMERHi, Mike.

JERRY(looking at the paper) Wow, a letter from Nina!

KRAMER(notices the painting) Whoa, man! That is the ugliest thing I've ever

JERRY(reading note) Oh my god! Jerry, you know what you want better than me. But there's one thing I do know. I know I can stand here watching you destroy everything I've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my fists, because you won't make even the slightest effort to offer happiness and still know that I love you. You mean so much to me that I'm will- ing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity."

GEORGEWhat?

JERRYThis is amazing, you can't believe this!

GEORGEWhat's it say?

JERRYListen to this: "I don't know what you expect to find out there,

GEORGEWOW! going to leave you. I'm sick and tired of running from places and people and relationships. You want me, that fight for me, becau-"

KRAMER(emotionally) She's deep.

JERRY(reading on) "...'cause that's what you need to do to prove I'm not

(Kramer blows his noes loudly) "...because I'm sure as hell fighting

for you!"

KRAMERYou know Jerry, she sounds like a poet! her!

JERRYNo one's ever written me a letter like this. Maybe I was wrong about

KRAMER(pushing Jerry towards the phone) Yeah! Get in there and give her a call. Pick up the phone and call her!

JERRYShould I? for her, Jerry, she's sure as hell fighting for you!

KRAMER(screaming) YES! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULD! (hysterically) Fight

JERRYALL RIGHT, all right! I'll call her. coat. The TV is on a horse race.)

(CUT TO: Jerry's apartment, another day. Jerry is helping Nina put on her

JERRYSHOT! (the sound of a shot on the TV is heard) I told ya! (the inter- com buzzes) Yeah?

GEORGE(on intercom) It's George. a good posse.

JERRYCome on up. (to Nina) Well, now we gotta get a posse together. I love

NINAWhat's the appeal of the posse? from the job, camp out, you're with your friends... Come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.

JERRYThe appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away

(George enters)

NINAHello, George. I've been thinking about it, and I feel like I'm stealing from you! Five-hundred dollars! It's gonna be worth thousands soon! You know what? On second thought, I can't even accept it.

GEORGEHey, Nina! (beat) I owe you some money, don't I?

NINAWell, I really love that piece.

GEORGEOh, yeah, me too, me too. Boy oh boy oh boy...! You know, in fact,

NINANo, no no no, George! A deal's a deal. I want you to have it! really be in a doormanned building.

GEORGEThis could be in a museum some day! It's not safe with me! It should

NINAHonestly, George, the money's not important. to George) He likes the pop-in, too.

GEORGEWho said anything about money? (intercom buzzes)

JERRYYeah?

ELAINE(on intercom) It's Elaine.

JERRYCome on up.

NINAElaine?

JERRY...Yeah.

NINA(rolling eyes) This person does not believe in telephones, does she?

JERRYShe likes the pop-in. I've told her how I hate the pop-in. (pointing

GEORGEI just popped in now. I'm a big pop-in guy. be fired!

JERRYYeah.

GEORGEHow 'bout Kramer.

JERRYHUGE pop-in guy!

NINAWell, I was leaving anyway, so, uh, we're on for tomorrow?

JERRYYeah.

NINAOkay.

JERRYOkay!

NINABye. (just as Nina is about to leave, Elaine walks in.)

ELAINE(to Nina) Hello!

(Nina doesn't respond, just walks past Elaine)

ELAINE(sarcastic) Chatty gal. (beat) Lippman's coming back tomorrow, I'll

JERRYIf he noticed, he would have called you from Houston! Jerry, with the remote, is furiously flipping through channels.)

ELAINENo, he wants to torture me.

(CUT TO: later on that night. George, Elaine, and Jerry are watching TV.

ELAINE(annoyed) Oh! Would you gimme the clicker? I hate it when you're the clicker! You go too fast! (Elain makes a grab for the clicker, insti- gating a tug-o-war between Elaine and Jerry over the clicker)

JERRY(tugging at the clicker) I'm a great clicker! (gets the clicker back) Great instincts. How dare you impune my clicking.

ELAINEYou're all over the dial! You don't know what you want! I've never seen you stay on anything for more than 5 seconds. Gimme that.

(another tug-o-war starts)

JERRYLet go! gets the remote away from them) Pinheads.

ELAINENo, come on! I want it, Jerry!

JERRYLet go, Elaine!

ELAINEWell at least let George do it!

JERRYOh, George can't click! (George joins in the fight)

GEORGE(as Jerry and Elaine continue to whine) Give it! Give it! (he finally

(George starts clicking, the first station he lands on is playing Neil Simon's

Chapter 2. After a few seconds, George gets bored, and changes the station)

JERRYWait, wait a second! Go back, go back to that. (they watch it a little longer)

ELAINEIt's Chapter 2, it's Neil Simon. for another minute) The letter, that's the letter!

JERRY(on to something) Wait a second... wait a second!! (he watches the TV

ELAINEWhat letter? reading in unison with movie on TV.)

JERRYThis is the letter she wrote to me, she stole it right from the movie!

(Jerry get up to go find the letter. A second later, he returns, and starts

JERRY"...'cause you don't even make the slightest effort to offer happiness still know that I love you!!"

GEORGEThis is incredible! ied it right out of Chapter 2! She a thief, a bunko-artist!

JERRYI always thought there was something funny about this letter! She cop-

GEORGEMaybe I won't send her that check. James Caan doesn't offer happiness!

ELAINEYou know, it's not really that terrible.

JERRYWhat are you talking about? She completely misrepresented herself!

(mimicking the letter) I don't offer happiness. I offer happiness!

(CUT TO: Lippman's office. Lippman is on the phone when Elaine walks in and

places something on his desk. After she does, she tries to leave

but Lippman, still on the phone, motions for her to stay in the room)

LIPPMAN:(into phone)...yeah, yeah. But she wouldn't take the cap off? (beat)

But didn't she know they were the owner's seats? (beat) Aw, that's

unbelievable. (beat) Yeah. Okay. Alright Lenny, thanks again. Take

care. (hangs up the phone, and then, to Elaine) That was Lenny West,

my accountant, who is a hell of a guy. And he handles the Yankees

too; it's his biggest account. So every once in a while they throw

him a couple of seats and last weekend he gave them to his daughter.

She's an artist, by the way. Anyway, her daughter gives 'em to some

friends, you know. One of her friends shows up wearing a Baltimore

cap! (beat) You're from Baltimore, right?

ELAINEUm, oh, it's Townscend, which is NEAR Baltimore. LIPPMAN:Yeah, but you're an Oriole fan, right?

ELAINEWell, uh, fan. My father-- LIPPMAN:Anyway, she refused to take the cap off; caused a whole big scene!

ELAINEReally? LIPPMAN:Yeah.

ELAINESo... impudent. LIPPMAN:Yeah, so Lenny gave me the tickets for tomorrow night. I'm inviting Frank and Marsha. 'Wantcha to come.

ELAINE(pause) Ah. I've-I've got plans, though, Mr. Li-- LIPPMAN:Well, break 'em. You missed the bris, I want you at the game.

ELAINE(very reluctant) Okay. LIPPMAN:Good. (Elaine stars to leave) Oh--and Elaine. You know the Baltimore cap you got in your office? Wear it. I'm gonna have a little fun with him.

ELAINEThat will be fun. sitting on the sofa.)

(CUT TO: Nina's studio. Nina is working on a painting. Jerry is watching her,

JERRYHow's it coming? Simon?

NINAGood, good.

JERRYSeen any good movies lately?

NINANo... not really. You?

JERRYNo. I like a good comedy. You know, like a Neil Simon? You like Neil

NINANeil Simon? Uh, some of his stuff. Chapter 2. Have you ever seen that?

JERRYI've seen MOST of it. I guess my favorite would have to be, uh...

NINAI don't know... maybe. Happened to catch it. (a knock is heard at the door) I couldn't help notice a STUNNING similiarity-- (Jerry is interrupted as Nina opens answer the door...) MR. ARM:Well, we've made our decision. We want "The Kramer."

JERRYI have. Funny, funny. In fact it was on TV just the other night.

(CUT TO: Jerry's apartment, night. Jerry and George are watching a baseball

game and talking.)

GEORGEFive-thousand? Why would anybody buy Kramer for $5000? (laughs) you get this thing outta my house?

JERRYBoy, the Yankees cannot buy a hit tonight!

GEORGESo is it all over between you and... Marsha Mason?

JERRYYeah. (picks up Nina's painting George bought) And by the way, can

GEORGETell you what, I'll make a deal with you. I'll sell it to you right now for ten bucks.

(the Yankees announcer is heard on TV)

TVVOICE:Uh, there's seems to be a lot of trouble in the area just behind the

Yankee dugout.

GEORGEBehind the dugout, that's where we were sitting the other day. TVVOICE:Well, we're not going to show it, we don't want to encourage that kind of behavior. Say, it's a young lady, and boy she's really going at it with the security guard. She's a fiesty one. And now they're getting the other security guard to come down. How do you like that Seegers? Boy, she's someting. (beat) And a ball to left field..."

(Jerry and George look at each other, wondering.)

(CUT TO: the Armstrong's dining room. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are having

Kramer over for dinner.)

KRAMER...then, when I was seventeen, I ran away from home and hopped a steamship to Sweden. (beat) This steak is excellent, by the way. MRS.ARM:More potatoes?

KRAMERYeah, sure. Please. MR. ARM:Yes, yes. Go on. You hopped a steamship to Sweden?

KRAMERYeah. (beat) And, it was a big one. END OF ACT 2