Opening monologue

JerryWhat's with the age gap hiring policy at most movie theaters? Didja ever notice, they never hire anyone between the ages of fifteen... and eighty, you know what I mean? Like, the girl that sells you the ticket, she's ten. Then there's the guy who rips the ticket, he's a hundred and two. So, what happened in the middle, there? You couldn't find anybody? It's like they want to show you how life comes full circle. You're fifteen, you sell the tickets. Then you leave, you go out, you have a family, kids, marriage, career, grandchildren, eighty years later, you're back in the same theater three feet away. Ripping tickets. Took you eighty years to move three feet.

[Monologue: 32 seconds]

% A night at the Improv. Jerry receives some disturbing news from the

% manager: The show has been delayed.

JerryYou don't understand. I got this all timed out. I got another spot across town at 9:50, I'm not gonna be able to make it! % As impeccable and precise in his business dealings as he is with his % apartment.

KernisI hear you, guy. material! % In the background is the plot complication of the week: Buckles. % The manager assures Jerry that Buckles isn't on the menu. He just % hangs around hoping that somebody drops out.

JerryAnd I'm doin' Letterman Monday. You know, I gotta work out the

KernisWhy don't you come back and do the 11 o'clock spot? at 10:30. % On consideration, Jerry decides to take the 11 o'clock spot and skip % the movie. Jerry is on his way out the door when Buckles spots him.

JerryNo, I'm supposed to meet my friends to see this movie ``CheckMate''

BucklesHey, Jer! % At the Paragon Theater, George joins the end of a queue. He taps % the shoulder of the man in front of him.

Jerry[not losing a step] Heeeeyyyyyyyy..... [and out the door]

GeorgeExcuse me, do you have a ticket? % Misunderstanding number one: When Jerry shows up at the other comedy % place, the manager tells him his spot was for 9:15, not 9:50. The % manager had no choice but to give Jerry's spot to...

ManNo.

GeorgeOkay. Good.

BucklesJerry! foot? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. I mean, my father gets it all the time, and believe me, he's no athlete!'' % And you're no Jack Kennedy. Jerry is understandably unimpressed. % He tries to escape, but Buckles won't let him. Jerry is on his way % to the theater to tell his friends he can't make it, then back to % the Improv. Buckles offers to join him and split the fare. ``I've % got time! It'll give us a chance to know each other a little better!'' % % Elaine joins George in the queue.

JerryWhat are <you> doing here?

BucklesHey, do you think this is funny? ``Why do they call it athlete's

ElaineI've been *dying* to see ``CheckMate''. they're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to the mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on! [laughing too hard to continue] That's stupid!

GeorgeWell, if it's as good as ``Ponce de Leon'', I'll be happy.

Elaine``Ponce de Leon'', are you kidding me? I hated that movie!

George``Ponce de Leon''? But that was great!

ElaineOh, <come on>. That Fountain of Youth scene at the end, where

GeorgeLemme tell you sum'in. When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? ... I lost it. % Apparently, a movie that can be interpreted on two levels. % % Misunderstanding number two: Kramer joins George and Elaine after % looking for them at the Paradise Twin around the corner. Elaine % hates the Paradise because it's a multiplex; she'd rather see a % movie on a big screen. Something catches Kramer's eye.

KramerListen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Payapa King. G+E: No, wait!

GeorgeYou're not going to get back here in time! going to start moving, and we're going to end up in the front row.

KramerI'm starvin', I haven't had any dinner!

ElaineYou can get a hot dog in the theater.

KramerI don't wanna get a movie hot dog!

[in tears] I want a Papaya King hot dog!

ElaineKramer, Jerry is going to be here any second, and then this line is

KramerWell, just save me a seat. % This touches a raw nerve.

ElaineNo! I don't want to save seats. Don't put me through that! I once had the fleece just ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving incident! % Kramer just asks for his ticket, but George doesn't have them.

GeorgeI'm in line to buy. % George addresses the man in front of him.

ElaineNo, George, this is the ticket-<holders> line.

GeorgeNo it's not, it's the ticket-<buyers> line.

ElaineThen how come we're not moving?

KramerGood question.

GeorgeIs this the ticket holders line, or the buyers? % George gloats, knowing what the answer is going to be.

ManHolders. % Instant double-take.

GeorgeBut I asked you before if you had a ticket, and you said no! % Misunderstanding number three. George goes to get tickets, leaving % Elaine and Kramer to talk behind his back.

ManI didn't. My friend was getting it.

George[furious] Good. It's good to be accurate like that.

ElaineCan you believe him? % Let him who is without sin, Kramer.

KramerHe's spaced out.

ElaineHow long would *you* have stood in the ticket-holders line? % The movie has sold out. ``Real good, George. Real good.'' It's now % 10:20, and Kramer suggests they go watch the 10:45 showing of "CheckMate" % at the Paradise. Elaine enters whine mode.

Kramer[thinks for a while]

Elaine[gives up] Yeah, exactly...

ElaineI don't wanna go to a... miniplex multi-theater! show them propaganda films. % But she gives in. New plan. George and Elaine will get tickets at % the Paradise, while Kramer waits at the Paragon to tell Jerry of the % change in plans. But Kramer can't keep his eye off the Papaya King % sign, flashing, beckoning, practically begging... % % Jerry suffers through Buckles' telling of his life story in the taxi.

GeorgeIt's the same movie! What's the difference?

ElaineIt's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POWs to

Jerry[to taxi driver] Take the Park! % Jerry can't stand it. Buckles somehow drifted onto the subject of % fish and how much he hates it.

BucklesNo no no, take 55th.

BucklesJerry, I want you to do me a favor. No more fish! Okay, I get your point!

Jerry[rubbing his eyes hoping the nightmare will end]

BucklesI had a point? % At the Paradise, George succeeds in obtaining the tickets, and he % joins Elaine in the ticket-holders line. (Right?)

GeorgeHey, you know what else is playing here? ``Rochelle Rochelle''. there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.

ElaineSigh/Ugh.

GeorgeI wouldn't mind seein' <that>.

ElaineYeah. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if

GeorgeSo what's your point? % Yeah, what's your point?

GeorgeBy the way, you owe me seven fifty. fifty instead of me owing you seven fifty.

ElaineOh, all right. Can you break a twenty?

GeorgeNo, I don't have any change.

ElaineOh, well, then I'll pay you later.

GeorgeOr, I could take the twenty, then I could pay *you* later.

ElaineYeah, you *could*...

GeorgeMight be easier.

ElaineI mean, how is that easier? I mean, then you would owe me twelve

George[trying to act as if he doesn't care one way or the other, but we know better] Either way.

ElaineYeah. *you* a popcorn and soda, and I'll throw in a bon-bons.

GeorgeSo... Can I have it?

ElaineI tell you what, I'll get the popcorn and the soda.

GeorgeWhaddya mean, you'll ``get'' the popcorn and the soda?

ElaineI will buy your popcorn and soda. We'll call it even.

GeorgeI tell you what, you give me the twenty, and I will buy

Elaine[exasperated] George, you're sappin' my strength. % The line begins to move. George offers to wait outside for K+J.

GeorgeYou go in and save seats. seats! I told you about that guy who tore up my winter coat! % With extreme reluctance, Elaine goes on ahead to save seats. % % The taxi is stuck in traffic. Jerry bawls out Buckles for choosing 55th % on a Saturday night. Buckles considers how various famous people would % react to be stuck in traffic, using Jerry as an unwilling guinea pig for % his material.

Elaine[in a panic] Me!? But that's three seats! I can't save three

BucklesJerry, I want you to have this piece of material. difference?

JerryThat's very nice of you, but I can't do the voices.

BucklesJerry! Don't start up with me!

JerryI gotta get out of this cab...

BucklesBut Jerry, quit riffing!

JerryNo, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do you understand the

Buckles[pause] Can you help me get on The Tonight Show? % Apparently, not. % % Elaine does her best to save three seats.

ElaineNo, these are saved. % George comes in; J+K haven't appeared. Elaine sends George to the % Paragon to give Kramer his and Jerry's tickets. Throughout the % conversation, Elaine fends off would-be claim-jumpers.

ManAll of them? C'mon, you can't take *four* seats.

ElaineWhat, is that a rule?

GeorgeWell, why don't *you* go, and I could save the seats. You said you didn't like saving anyway.

Elaine[stopping someone from sitting in the seat next to her] No, *TAKEN*, Taken, taken.

[to George] [shrugs] I'm getting the hang of it.

% George returns to one of his favorite topics.

GeorgeWhy don't you give me the twenty, and I'll stop and get change, and then you and I can... uh... you-know, settle.

ElaineCan we do this later, George? takes her hand and pats it] You'll give me the money when you have it. [takes two steps, then reconsiders, then re-reconsiders] I, I trust you. % Kramer stands, mesmerized by the sign that reads, ``100% pure fresh % beef. Tastier than Filet Mignon.'' He rushes to the ticket booth.

GeorgePsh. What's the point of even discussing it? [condescendingly

KramerCould you do me a favor? If you see a guy that's five foot eleven, he's got uh a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's going to be right back, okay? % Elaine is accosted from all sides.

ElaineNo, I'm sorry, these are taken. ... They're in the lobby buying popcorn. ... What are you doing? These are taken, these are taken!

WomanWhich one? No! Don't come over here! These are taken. Go! Go! These are taken! They're taken! THEY'RE TAKEN!!! % She can't take it any longer.

ElaineThese two and this one. ...

ElaineOh, take 'em. % George reaches the ticket booth of the Paragon.

GeorgeUm, excuse me, have you see a guy with like a horse face, big teeth, and a, and a pointed nose?

Clerk... flared nostrils? % George leaves, unsuccessful. % % Jerry gets out of the cab in front of the Paragon.

GeorgeYeah.

ClerkNope, haven't seen him.

BucklesJerry, could you do me a personal favor? And if I'm out of line, *please*, let me know. Could I keep my trench coat in your closet for a few months?

JerryYour trench coat in my closet? % It's not like he's asking for a ride to the airport or anything.

BucklesJerry, my closet is packed to the gills, I'm afraid to open the door. Just for a few months. It'll make all the difference in the world. % Jerry sanely declines. Jerry doesn't see any of his friends, so he % figures they're inside. He'll go in to tell them he can't join them.

BucklesWe should see ``Rochelle Rochelle''. I hear it's really hot. % Brutal honesty once again saves the day.

JerryNo thanks, maybe some other time.

BucklesReally? Do you really mean that?

JerryNo, I don't.

BucklesYou liked the athlete's foot bit, right? % Jerry pays his half of the fare then approaches the entrance to % the Paragon.

JerryNo. No. I was kidding. It's terrible.

JerryHi, I got some friends inside, I gotta get a message to 'em. Mind if I walk through real quick?

Usher[indicates ``okay''] % Just after Jerry goes inside, Kramer clomps to the ticket booth at % warp speed, clutching a precious Papaya King hot dog in his hand.

KramerHey, did that guy show up? Looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon hat. But he left. % Behind Elaine, a women chats loudly with her friend.

ClerkThe guy with the... horse face... and the big teeth...

KramerNo, the guy with the big head and the flared nostrils.

ClerkHaven't seen him. There was a short guy with glasses...

WomanSo I got home, and he was vacuuming! I mean, he's twelve years old! Who else but my Alan would do something like that? % I won't say it.

WomanAnd then last night, he put on my high heels. Oh, he put on such a show for us! He was dancing around, lip-sync'ing to ``A Chorus Line'', I mean you can see he's got talent.

Elaine[annoyed] Excuse me, excuse me. You're talking.

WomanWhat's the problem?

Elaine[momentarily shocked, as if the answer were self-evident]

WomanIt's the ``Coming Attractions''. % Elaine collects her things and leaves.

WomanSo anyway, he sings, he dances. And do you know what he's gotten into now? He is cooking! He does a crepe... % At the entrance to the Paradise Twin, George is stopped by the usher.

UsherTicket, sir? % George sifts through his pockets, going on about how he never needed % a stub before.

GeorgeUh, I just went out, I went to look for my friend?

UsherDo you have your stub?

George[as if the word were totally foreign] My `stub'?

UsherMm hm.

GeorgeYou don't remember me? hair, face like a frying pan? % Unable to find his stub, George gives him Kramer's ticket. The % ticket-taker tears the ticket and gives George the stub. George % goes into the ``CheckMate'' theater just as Elaine leaves it through % the other door. Like two dips, passing in the night.

UsherIt's a big city, sir.

GeorgeI went in with a pretty woman? You know, kinda short, big wall o'

George[whispering] Elaine? % Various movie patrons tell George to shut up.

[loud whisper] Elaine!

[louder whisper] Elaine!

George[quite out loud, not even pretending to whisper] Elaine! % He is quickly shouted down, making his escape through the exit. % % The exit to the street. % % In the theater at the Paragon, Jerry whispers ``Elaine'' and, % hearing no response, gives up.

NarratorThe Village Voice calls it a masterpiece. A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. % Something about this preview attracts Jerry's attention. Not sure exactly % what, though...

NarratorIt's a story about life. And love. And becoming a woman. ``Rochelle Rochelle'', now playing at Paradise 2. % Meanwhile, Kramer gives up waiting outside the Paragon. Seconds % thereafter, Jerry rushes out of the theater and hails a cab. Or % tries to. %

[End of Act One. Time: 13:38]

% Elaine reaches the concessions stand and has to deal with the perky clerk.

ElaineUh, could I have a medium Diet Coke? % Leaving the inanities of modern marketing aside, we switch to Jerry, % still outside trying to hail a cab. He finally gets one. The % driver speaks with a Russian accent.

ClerkDo you want the Medium size or the middle size?

ElaineWhat's the difference?

ClerkWell, we have three sizes. Medium, Large, and Jumbo.

Elaine[momentarily perplexed] What happened to the small?

ClerkThere is no small. Small is Medium.

ElaineWhat's... medium?

ClerkMedium is Large, and large is Jumbo.

ElaineOh-kay. Gimme the large.

ClerkThat's medium.

ElaineRight. Yeah. [fearing the answer] Could I have a small popcorn?

ClerkThere is no small. [flash of perky inspiration] Child-size is small.

ElaineWhat's `medium'?

ClerkAdult.

ElaineDo adults ever order the child-size?

Clerk[chuckling] Not usually.

Elaine[laughs appreciably] Okay, gimme the `adult'.

ClerkDo you want butter?

ElaineIs it *real* butter?

Clerk[perkily] It's butter-*flavored*!

Elaine[exasperated] What is it made of?

Clerk[perkily] It's yellow!

Jerry44th and 9th. % George once again tries to get past the ticket-taker.

DriverHave you got a cigarette?

JerryNo.

UsherTicket, sir? this exact same conversation a minute ago!

GeorgeWe've just been through this! You don't remember? We just had

UsherI need to see your stub. % George empties his pockets in a quest for a ticket stub. No dice.

George[realizing the only way out is to show the stub] I've got the stub.

GeorgeThere you go, okay? That's my *other* friend's ticket. You happy now? You got two tickets. % George goes past the concessions stand, not seeing Elaine, who is % searching her pocketbook for change to pay for her popcorn and % drink.

UsherTicket, sir? I'm late, and she's inside.

KramerUh, no, see, my friend already bought me a ticket.

UsherGo ahead. % George dwells at the ``Rochelle Rochelle'' sign for what must be the % 5th time this episode. Kramer heads straight into the theater.

KramerIs that seat taken? % Kramer lankily stumbles into the seat, but finds the fit % uncomfortable.

Woman Behind ElaineIt's all yours.

DriverI'm very sorry, you give me few minutes. I have to stop for gasoline.

JerryGasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off? % Jerry nervously glances at his watch. % % Elaine returns to the theater, arms laden with popcorn and soda, % trying to find her seat. Various patrons tell her to sit down % already. She is finally shouted down and pushed out of the aisle, % causing her to spill most of her popcorn in the process. % % George sits in a half-empty theater watching ``Rochelle Rochelle''. % Not a female audience member in sight.

Driver[taken aback] No! Impossible! It is on `Empty'!

ManYou're soaking wet. Who are you? I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk.

RochelleMy name is Rochelle, I'm from Milan.

ManHere, stand by the fire. Take off those wet clothes, you'll catch cold.

RochelleOh, my hand's so cold, I can barely get these buttons open. % George is clearly waiting to see Rochelle's other buttons.

RochelleOh, that's much better. Much... % A tall man sits down in front of George, blocking his view of % Rochelle's Christmas cards. % % Elaine stumbles to the ticket-taker, trying to shake popcorn out of % her hair.

ElaineI just went to get popcorn... Ugh... [shakes more popcorn] I just went to get popcorn, okay? And and and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there!

UsherThere's a seat in the front row. % Elaine plods off, then realizes she had something else to say.

ElaineNo no, I can't sit in the front row.

UsherWell, you're going to have to wait, then.

ElaineI can't stand around here for *two hours*!

UsherI could let you see ``Rochelle Rochelle''.

Elaine[heavy sarcasm] Oh. Thanks.

ElaineOh, hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a tall... lanky... doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?

UsherHaven't seen him. % Meanwhile, at a service station, the taxi driver assures Jerry that % they will be leaving very soon. He'll just go across the street to % buy a cigarette. % % From his pocket, Kramer digs into his treasured Papaya King hot dog. % Then discovers the source of his discomfort: He's sitting on a coat.

JerryHey, did I make it? % Off-screen, we hear appreciative applause.

KernisSorry.

JerryOh, great. That's great. What a night.

AnnouncerPat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen. Another round of applause for Pat Buckles! % Jerry spots Buckles.

JerryYou got my spot? I didn't do any sets, didn't do any movies...

BucklesThat athlete's foot bit killed!

JerryReally...

BucklesDo you think I need to lose some weight?

JerryWeight? Naw. Just need some more height.

JerryMy whole night's ruined.

BucklesCome on, we can still catch most of ``Rochelle Rochelle''. % George and Elaine watch ``Rochelle Rochelle'' in different parts of % the theater. Also there are Jerry and Buckles. George and Buckles % seem to be enjoying the movie; Jerry and Elaine can't deal with it.

Jerry``Rochelle Rochelle'', huh?

BucklesA young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.

Jerry[his interest piqued] Minsk?

ElaineOh, gimme a break! % George turns, as does Jerry.

JerryElaine? % Elaine's face lights up.

ElaineJerry! % Another prized Seinfeld moment, soon to be copycatted around the country.

JerryElaine!

Voice[whispered] Shut up.

GeorgeJerry?

JerryGeorge?

GeorgeElaine?

ElaineGeorge! [waves hi]

JerryHey, where's Kramer? % The music from the movie continues over the next, heart-rending scene...

Voice[whispered] Will you shut up?

ElaineI don't know. Does this movie stink or what!

JerryLet's get outta here. [to Buckles] I'll see ya.

BucklesYou're leaving?

JerryYeah.

Buckles[holding out his coat] Jerry, take the coat. Please. One month. % Jerry, Elaine, and George fill each other in on their respective % miseries out in the lobby.

JerryI don't want the coat.

BucklesJerry! Call me when you get home so I know you're okay!

George[studying his jacket] Oh man! Look at this! I sat in gum. Oh, by the way, you owe me seven fifty.

JerryI didn't even use the ticket! % Kramer wanders out of ``CheckMate'', his newly-found coat draped % casually over his shoulders. Jerry looks through his wallet.

GeorgeI still paid for it!

JerryI only have a twenty. % Closing monologue.

ElaineThat's my coat! Gimme that. Where did you get that?

KramerIt was on the seat...

Elaine*YOU* took my seat!?

GeorgeYou uh owe me for the ticket.

KramerYeah, right...

ElaineWhat is that stain [on my coat]?

KramerIt's yellow mustard. [To George] Can you break a twenty?

JerryI always get confused in the movie theater by the, by the plot. It's embarrassing. It's an embarrassment to have to admit, but I'm the one that you see in the parking lot after the movie talking with his friends, going: ``Oh, you mean that was the same guy from the <beginning>... Ohhhhhhhhhh...'' Nobody will explain it to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out.

[whispering to imaginary friends seated around him] ``Why did they

kill that guy?... Why did they kill him?... Who was that guy? What

was the... I thought he was with them? Wasn't he with them? Why

would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't *really* with

them.... I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed

him.''

[END SHOW]

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