Opening monologue...

JerryI don't know about you, but I'm getting sick of pretending to be excited every time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, over and over... All you did was not die for twelve months. That's all you've done, as far as I can tell. Now those astrology things where they tell you all the people that have the same birthday as you? It's always an odd group of people too, isn't it? It's like Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat.

[End of opening monologue -- Time 0:26]

The scene opens with George dropping off his date for the night. She

obviously has had a wonderful evening...

AllisonI don't want to *live*! I don't want to *live*! of me? I'm nothing!

GeorgeBecause of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because

AllisonNo... You're *something*. hit someone better than me. I'm no good!

GeorgeYou can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and

AllisonYou're good. You're *good*! We cut to Monk's where G+J+E are dining (it being a diner, and all). Jerry is over making a phone call while G+E talk at the table.

GeorgeI'm bad. I'm *bad*!

AllisonYou're *killing* me!

GeorgeSo what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened to kill herself.

ElaineOver you? Er, George, I don't think that word means what you think it means...

GeorgeYes. Why, is that so inconceivable?

Cut to Jerry who is over at the phone trying to get Sharon Leanord at NYU.

Meanwhile, Elaine and George exchange thoughts on what they got Jerry for

his birthday.

GeorgeI got two tickets to see "Guys And Dolls". Jerry returns to the booth and explains the phone call.

ElaineI got him a two-line phone.

JerryUnbelievable! She's not there. journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has no idea who I am.

GeorgeWhat paper does she write for?

JerryThe works for the NYU school newspaper. She's a grad student in

ElaineNever even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that... The camera pans out some so that we can see the three at their table and a girl sitting with her back to George at the next table. She starts to become interested in what the people behind her are talking about as Elaine pops the following philosophical dilemma to her companions:

JerryY'know, you've been developing quite the acid-tongue lately...

Elaine[Proudly] Really?

ElaineHey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader? with Brezhnev.

JerryLiving or all time?

ElaineAll time.

JerryWell, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends

ElaineI dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle? Elaine notices the woman sitting behind George is eavesdropping on their conversation and discreetly alerts J+G. She decides to add some spice to the conversation. The makes sure to say it loud enough so that the spy at the next table is sure to hear...

GeorgeLyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle.

ElaineI got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree.

ElaineY'know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already. Jerry rolls his eyes and turns away in disbelief while George on the other hand addresses Jerry directly:

GeorgeSo, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love. stepping past me: "C'mon Jerry, go along, go along..." Elaine dismisses Jerry as a big poop for not playing along, and Jerry raises a topic while the eavesdropper gets up and goes to make a phone call.

Jerry[indignantly] What's the matter with you?

George[quietly] C'mon, go along...

JerryI'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose-

JerryY'know I hear that all the time. Meanwhile over at the phone booth, the eavesdropper reveals that she is one Sharon Leonard and she's calling the newspaper that she got to the diner late and missed out on meeting up with Jerry. As she's hanging up, George and Jerry make a trip to the bathroom (have two guys ever actually gone to the bathroom together? Hmmmm...) We switch back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry's unpacking groceries (no cereal to be seen) and George comes in.

ElaineHear what?

JerryThat I'm gay. People think I'm gay.

ElaineYeah, you know people ask me that about you, too.

JerryYeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat.

ElaineAnd you get along well with women.

GeorgeI guess that leaves me in the clear...

GeorgeI just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor.

JerryOh yeah, what? "Buck Naked"? George is obviously disappointed that his name didn't go over "bigger" and he gets Jerry's opinion on a tres-gauche shirt. Jerry is less than impressed.

GeorgeYeah, how did you know that?

JerryYou told me that already like two months ago.

GeorgeAllison bought it for me. Sharon buzzes and comes up to Jerry's apartment. George decides to stay. There's a knock at the door and when Jerry answers it, the two decide if they've ever met before. It's pretty obvious Sharon remembers Jerry and George as that "funny" couple from Monk's. Jerry hasn't placed her face, however. Sharon is introduced to George and...

JerryHow you gonna get out of *that* one?

GeorgeI dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die.

JerryHe's gonna hang around if that's alright with you? Sharon asks Jerry if he does anything besides stand-up and when Jerry replies that he and George are doing a pilot for NBC, Sharon says "oh, so you also work together." which seems to puzzle Jerry a bit. Before another question can be asked, George has helped himself to some fruit...

SharonSure, I'd like to talk to him, too.

GeorgeJerry did you wash this pear? Again, Jerry seems confused as to what Sharon is saying. Something's not quite right... But, before another question can be asked, again George has a question-- this time for Sharon...

JerryYeah, I washed it.

GeorgeIt looks like it hasn't been washed.

JerrySo *wash* *it*.

GeorgeYou hear the way he talks to me?

SharonYou should hear how *my* boyfriend talks to me...

GerogeLet me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt? something? Bombardier... Open bomb doors. The big one is about to be dropped...

SharonIt's nice.

GeorgeJerry said he didn't like it.

JerryI didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was O.K...

GeorgeNo, you said you didn't like it...

JerryOh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of the world, or

SharonSo how did you two meet? and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since. George takes a hold of Jerry's leg to stress the point and Sharon, who obviously thinks she has a real story here now, asks another question:

JerryActually, we met in the gym locker room.

GeorgeYeah. Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes

SharonDo you guys live together? Jerry is about *this* close (picture my thumb and forefinger *really* close together) to figuring out what is going on here, when the "question fatale" is asked:

Jerry[quizzically] Live together?

GeorgeNo, I got my own place.

SharonAnd do your parents know? It's at this point, I *swear* I heard a big clunk noise in Jerry's head as his eyes light up like sunbeams. Sherlock Seinfeld has solved the mystery.

JerryKnow *what*?

GeorgeMy parents? They don't know *what's* goin' on...

(Actually, since he took so long to figure it out he's probably closer to

Encyclopedia Brown than Sherlock Holmes, but I'll give him the benefit of

the doubt. Heck, it usually took the guys on "Three's Company" 25 minutes

to figure out something this complex...)

JerryOh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I *knew* you looked familiar! All three rise from the couch and a rather excited J+G try to explain things to a very confused reporter.

JerryThere's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that...

GeorgeNo, of course not... But alas, our heroes pleas for help have fallen upon deaf ears...

JerryI mean that's fine if that's who you are...

GeorgeAbsolutely...

JerryI mean I have many gay friends...

GeorgeMy *father* is gay...

SharonLook, I know what I heard. now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon! Not that that approach was going to work, or anything, but what minute chance they had of convincing her is blown away as the door bursts open and:

JerryIt was a *joke*...

GeorgeLook, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right

KramerHey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam! We fast forward a couple of hours and Jerry and Elaine are talking in the apartment. Elaine offers to talk to her and Jerry reveals that he has convinced her to "think about it" before she prints anything in the NYU paper. And, for some unknown reason, Elaine refuses to take her jacket off. Kramer enters, graceful as always.

GeorgeNo!

JerryNo steam!

KramerWell I don't want to sit there naked all by myself!

KramerHappy birthday paruba! Kramer convinces Jerry it's his birthday and, after Elaine refuses to take her jacket off again, Kramer presents the big guy with his present.

JerryToday's not my birthday.

KramerWell, I beg to differ...

JerryLook at this! A phone! A two-line phone! Elaine can be seen mouthing the word "sh*t" and is, for some reason, not impressed with the gift. She picks up her purse to leave (good thing she didn't take off that jacket...):

JerryHey, where you going? Kramer goes to his apartment and Jerry calls him to try out the phone. And, as luck would have it, a call comes in on the other line.

ElaineI gotta go return something...

SharonJerry, it's Sharon from NYU. I'm just calling to tell you that I'm not going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry.

JerryThank you very much, that's great- >click< Oh! Hold on a sec, I got a call on the other line. >click click< Hello?

GeorgeHey. the other line.

JerryHey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that reporter from the newspaper on

GeorgeSo, what did she say? thinks we're heterosexual. [sarcastically] I guess we *fooled* her. I'll get rid of her, hold on... >click click< Sharon? Hello? Sharon, are you there? >click click< I'm back...

JerryShe says she's not going to play up that angle of the story. She

GeorgeY'know... I could hear you on the other line... hold on. >click click click<... Obviously, it's best to hear this, but through the whole next part G+J get into excitable, high-pitch, speed talk. Gotta love it...

JerryWhat are you talkin' about?

GeorgeI heard what you said: "Sharon, are you there?".

JerryYou heard me talkin' on the other line, are you sure?

GeorgeYes, I heard you!

JerryWell, maybe she was disconnected.

GeorgeMaybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the whole conversation!

JerryAlright, hang on. Let me call Kramer and see if you can hear anything,

KramerYello? nobody's business but their own! We shift to Sharon's apartment where Elaine is paying a visit...

JerryKramer, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on. >click click<

George"There may be a problem with the phone, hold on"!

JerryOh no! >click click< Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk, goodbye!

George"The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye"!

JerryOh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?!?

GeorgeNow she thinks we're gay, not that there's anything wrong with it...

JerryNo, no, of course not! People's personal sexual preferences are

SharonWhy don't you take a seat? We shift back to Monk's where E+G+J are having a coffee

ElaineThank-you.

SharonWhy don't you take your coat off?

ElaineSo she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it.

JerryShe wouldn't take her coat off at my house, either. in somebody's house, the families go to war! You're not related to the Clavin family, are you George?

GeorgeY'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on

JerrySo you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

GeorgeNot at all. Jerry tries to "forcibly remove the coat" in pursuit of some satisfaction. George springs his birthday gift on Jerry.

GeorgeTwo tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm gonna go with you! Perhaps Elaine's gift oozes with some testosterone...

Jerry"Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical?

GeorgeIt's "Guys And *Dolls*", not "Guys And *Guys*".

Jerry"The Collected Works Of Bette Midler". Nope. Unfortunately for Jerry, things are about to get worse. Elaine notices that there are a couple of guys pointing at Jerry from the other side of the cafe. Jerry goes to investigate.

JerryWhat do you got there? Man #1: _The New York Post_, they've got an article about you.

Jerry"Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his long-time *companion* seem to be inseparable..." Oh no! The Associated Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper! I've been "outed"! I wasn't even "in"!

GeorgeNow everyone's going to think we're gay! Back in the apartment, E+G+J read from _The Post_

JerryNot that there's anything wrong with that...

GeorgeNo, not at all...

[End Act I -- Time 13:54]

Jerry"Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor *pad*, Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of *fruit* like an old married couple--" *I told you that pear was washed*! Entrez-vous, Kramer

KramerI thought we were friends... masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single...

JerryHere we go...

KramerI mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me?

JerryIt's not true!

KramerAaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Jerry, the

JerrySo are you... It's at this point that Kramer, well, "Pulls a Kramer". He does that mini-epileptic, losing his balance, "waaaaugh" thing and he retreats to his apartment, probably to confront his own sexuality. In Jerry's apartment, the phone rings, George answers.

KramerYeah--

GeorgeHello? And suddenly, it dawns on Castanza:

Mrs. SGeorge?

GeorgeMrs. Seinfeld?!?

Mrs. SOh, my God...

JerryOh, my God! [takes the phone] Ma?

Mrs. SJerry?

JerryMa!

GeorgeOh, my God! My *MOTHER*!!! Back at Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld's place, the conversation continues.

Mrs. SJerry? Back at the Metropolitan Hospital Center, George pays his mother a visit. She seems to be in the same bed from episode ... (yes, that includes the thin sheet covering that allowed for that infamous silhouette...

JerryMa, it's not true!

Mr. SIt's those damn culottes you made him wear when he was five!

Mrs. SThey weren't culottes, they were shorts.

Mr. SThey were culottes! You bought them in the girl's department.

Mrs. SBy mistake! By mistake, Jerry! I'm sorry!

Mr. SIt looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud!

JerryMa, it has nothing to do with the culottes!

Mrs. SNot that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry.

Mrs. CI open up the paper, and *this* is what I have to read about? I fell right off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move... The super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked!

GerogeIt's *not* *true*! you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows *what* you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films.

Mrs. CEvery *day* it's something else with you. I don't know anything about

GeorgeYeah. I'm Buck Naked. wrong with it.

Mrs. CJerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin. Not that there's anything

GeorgeOf course not... In comes a hulking male nurse. He parts the screen and announces:

Nurse6:30, Scott. Time for your sponge bath. Ack! It's deja vu all over again! Except instead of a couple of women behind the screen (as in the "M" episode), there are two guys. George is transfixed. Mrs. C. has to scream to get his attention off of the "show" going on beside him. Later, back at Monk's, E+G+J converge yet again. Jerry informs G+E that Sharon has left a message on his machine. George has other things on his mind.

GeorgeAlright, now the play is tomorrow night. So do you want to have dinner first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre? Before Jerry can utter his response, a military guy approaches the table.

SailorExcuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service. Thanks. And, just as quickly as he appeared, he leaves before Jerry can respond

(Colonel Flagg, anyone?) He does have an answer to George's previous

question, though.

JerryY'know, I think I'll pass on the "Guys And Dolls"... George throws a "hissy fit" and it told to pipe down by a rather bulky manager from the diner and resolves to take Elaine instead. Elaine then queries George if Allison has seen the article yet.

GeorgeNo. Just imagine her reaction. *I'm out baby*!! I'm out!!!!! So, we flash forward to George dropping off Allison. She is mulling over the article that George has given her.

ElaineYeah...

GeorgeOh, my God...

JerryWhat?

GeorgeShe hasn't seen the article! When she sees it, she's gonna think--

AllisonYeah? So? implying?

GeorgeYeah so??

AllisonWell this is nice. They mention your name.

GeorgeDon't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's

AllisonNo, what? private person.

GeorgeI'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay.

AllisonYou're *gay*?

GeorgeExtraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.

Allison[matter-of-factly] I don't believe it.

GeorgeYou don't believe me? Ask Jerry.

AllisonI will.

GeorgeWhat do you mean you will? That's a bad idea. Jerry is a very

Allison[Grabs George's lapels] I want to hear it from *Jerry*... Back at Jerry's apartment, Sharon and Jerry are, well, "making out on the couch". Apparently, she's all turned around on the subject.

[End act II - Time 19:11]

SharonOh, can you ever forgive me? But before the love birds can get back into things, the door has burst open. No, it's not Kramer, although Jerry perhaps wishes it were. Yes, George has shown up with Allison to prove he and Jerry's "special relationship".

JerryI dunno... [they kiss again] *Alright*, I forgive you...

SharonY'know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately.

JerryI was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane.

GeorgeJerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?! trusted you!

JerryWhat!?

GeorgeYou're with a *woman*!

JerryI know! What are you doin' here?!?

GeorgeI leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do! I

Jerry[forcibly removing G. from the apt] Would you get the Hell out of here!

SharonWhat's going on? George has emphasized his point by reaching up and putting his hand in J's hair. Jerry flips out at this point. His arms are flailing about and he's well, gone loopy. George embraces Jerry to keep it going, but Jerry's not buying any of it. Sharon leaves, much to Jerry's chagrin. Allison asks

AllisonYeah, what's going on?

GeorgeAlright, tell her. Go ahead.

JerryTell her what?

GeorgeY'know. About *us*.

(again) for an explanation.

GeorgeAlright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's Buck Naked, I'm a porno actor.

Allison*Really*? Allison takes George's arm (not quite the reaction he wanted, I'm sure). Kramer walks by the open door to go to his apartment. He is escorted by what appears to be a virile young man. Kramer addresses G+J (and Allison) before he goes into his apartment.

KramerWe'll see you later... G+J look disbelievingly at each other, obviously at a loss for words over Kramer's new, er, interest. Kramer notices this and...

KramerHe's the *phone* man! Closing monologue

[G+J see the light and are visibly relieved...

KramerNot that there's anything wrong with that...

[End of act III - Time 21:39]

JerryI am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat. Sometimes when someone is thin, single and neat people assume they are gay because that is a stereotype. They normally don't think of gay people as fat, sloppy and married. Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype. I'm sure they are the minority though within the gay community. They're probably discriminated against because of that, people say to them "Y'know Joe, I enjoy being gay with you but I think think it's about time, y'know that you got in shape, tucked the shirt in and lost the wife". But if people are even going to assume that people that are neat are gay, maybe instead of doin' this: "Y'know I think Joe might be a little... [waves hand back and forth]", they should vacuum: "Y'know I think Joe might be >vroom< [makes vacuuming motion]. Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little >vrooom<..."

[END SHOW]