George converts to Latvian Orthodox Christianity to save his relationship — while Kramer discovers he has a power over women.
JerryYou know doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation. But it’s really like one of the only jobs where you have to have your diploma right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn’t it? "I really am a doctor you know. You think I’m not, just check it out." I don’t know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage over us all the time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes, and I’ll give you my opinion." After that, anyone that comes in with pants on seems like they know what they’re talking about. In any difference of opinion, pants always beats no-pants.
(Commercial)
GeorgeCan I say one word to you? Lobster. The lobster here is unbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive. George’s girlfriend (name?): Twenty five dollars.
GeorgeYes, well, you know, I’m not thinking about the price. You know you’re the only woman I’ve never thought about the price. Get the lobster. I beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster. George’s girlfriend: George, George, uh, I think we have to talk. I think we have a problem.
GeorgeWe do? George’s girlfriend: We can’t keep seeing each other.
GeorgeWhy? George’s girlfriend: (crying) Because it’s over. *sob, sob, sob* It’s my parents, the differences in our religion. Oh George, can you ever forgive me? *sob*
WaiterUh, have you decided yet? George’s girlfriend: (crying) Yes. I’ll have the lobster.
GeorgeUm, you know I’m starting to think that maybe lobster isn’t the way to go. The hallway outside Jerry’s apartment.
JerryThen he asked you out? hand on my heart.
ElaineWe started to talk, and I told him that I jog, and then he put his
JerryOn your heart? school.
ElaineJerry, the man is a doctor.
JerryDoctor? He’s a podiatrist.
ElaineIt’s the same thing.
JerryAnyone can get into podiatry school. *George* got into podiatry
ElaineReally? Jerry’s girlfriend (name?): Hello.
JerryOh hi. Jerry’s girlfriend: Are you going to be stopping by later?
JerryYes, I’ll be stopping. See you later. (to Elaine) Well we can’t all be dating podiatrists. They enter Jerry’s apartment.
GeorgeIt’s over. involved with anyone who isn’t Latvian Orthodox.
ElaineWhat?
JerryHow did you get in?
GeorgeKramer.
ElaineWhat’s that?
GeorgeLobster.
JerryLooks like a swan.
GeorgeShe says we can’t go out anymore.
ElaineWhy?
GeorgeBecause I’m not Latvian Orthodox. Her parents won’t let her get
ElaineLatvian Orthodox? Mmm, it is lobster. entirely true.
JerryShe’s limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? Too bad.
GeorgeI know. This was the only woman I never lied to. Well that’s not
ElaineMmm, delicious. to bother her. I think I could have married this woman.
JerryMmm, succulent.
GeorgeShe knew I didn’t have a job, she knew I lived at home. Didn’t seem
ElaineWhy don’t you just ask her parents? way over here, I actually thought about converting.
GeorgeI can’t. I met them. They’re devout. You know, In the cab on the
JerryTo Latvian Orthodox? Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.
GeorgeWhy not? What do I care?
JerryYou know it’s not like changing toothpaste.
ElaineI think it would be romantic.
GeorgeReally?
ElaineYeah, it’s like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying
GeorgeKing Edward. King Edward, Jerry. Costanza.
JerryYeah well King Edward didn’t live in Queens with Frank and Estelle
GeorgeYou know what? I could probably do this. What’s the difference. ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am *really* going to think about this. George leaves.
ElaineGeorge I was just kidding around.
GeorgeNo. I wouldn’t even have to tell her. I could surprise her.
ElaineGeorge I wasn’t serious.
GeorgeHow hard could it be? You make a little contribution, have a
ElaineI guess this one is my fault. At Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment. Jerry’s girlfriend: *kiss, kiss, kiss* Oh that was nice. Have you always been such a good kisser?
JerryOh yeah.
JerryOh I don’t know. Not always. No I uh I had to work at it. When I was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in my room practicing my kissing. Jerry’s girlfriend: Well it was worth it. *kiss* I’ll be *kiss* right *kiss* back *kiss*. Where are you going?
JerryTo wash my hands. They’re sticky from the orange. Jerry’s girlfriend: Meet you back here?
JerryRight there. Jerry goes into the bathroom and washes his hands. He sees the medicine cabinet open slightly and peeks in.
Jerry(thinking to himself) "Fungicide". Fungus? At Monk’s.
JerryFungicide. I mean what could she have? home.
ElaineI don’t know.
KramerFungus.
ElaineSo what did you say?
JerryI said I was coming down with the flu or something and I had to go
ElaineWhat were you doing opening her medicine cabinet? and entering. I wouldn’t do that.
JerryI didn’t open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little.
ElaineYou were snooping.
JerryI was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was no breaking
KramerI would. I always open medicine cabinets. deep in fungus. This guy know fungus.
ElaineWell I trust people not to do that.
KramerBig mistake.
JerryWhy don’t you ask that doctor what it is?
ElaineWhat? Now he’s a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist.
JerryBut that’s what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. They’re knee-
ElaineI am not going to ask him about funguses. In the priest’s office.
KramerFungi.
JerryWhat?
KramerFungi.
[boy, I am *really* bad with names on this episode… ;) ]
Father-priest (name?): Why do you want to accept the Latvian Orthodox faith?
George*ahem* In this age of uncertainty and confusion, a man begins to ask himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into words something so um… (trying to think of a word) Father-priest: Enigmatic?
GeorgeNo. Father-priest: Vast? (he pronounces it as "vost")
GeorgeNo not vast (he pronounces it as "vost") Father-priest: Well whatever it is, basically you like the religion.
GeorgeYes. Father-priest 2: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?
George(he thinks) I think the hats. The hat convey that solemn religious look you want in a faith. Very pious. Father-priest: Are you familiar with Orthodox theology?
GeorgeWell perhaps, not to the extent that you are. But I know the basic plot. Yeah. Father-priest: Plot?
GeorgeYeah, yeah. You know the uh flood, and the uh lepers, and the commandments and all that. Father-priest 2: Well it’s obvious that you are sincere in your desire.
GeorgeOh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere. So, uh, pffft, am I in? Father-priest: The first step would be to familiarize yourself with these texts (brings out a pile of books).
GeorgeAh hah. You see Father, I’m I’m incredibly anxious to become a member. Um, don’t you offer any kind of an express conversion? A quick change? Sister Roberta enters.
Sister RobertaOh I’m sorry. Father, there’s a man waiting in the chapel. Father-priest: You may attend to it Sister, oh this is George Costanza. He is interested in joining the church.
Sister RobertaOh are you? That’s wonderful. Well good luck to you. Father-priest: No, Sister Roberta is not a nun. She is what we call a novice. Father-priest 2: She won’t be taking her final vows until next Thursday. In the chapel.
GeorgeNice nun.
Sister RobertaMay I help you? At Jerry’s apartment.
KramerOh yeah, I’m here to pick up my friend George Costanza.
Sister RobertaWell he’s in with the Father.
KramerOh yeah.
Sister RobertaI’m Sister Roberta.
KramerOh. Kramer. Pleasure.
Sister RobertaMine. (she smiles at Kramer)
GeorgeI can’t believe how easy it is. I’m virtually Orthodox. All I have to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I’m in the club.
JerryThat’s all there is to it. Costanza.
GeorgeThat’s all there is to it. By Christmas day I will be Brother
JerryAnd when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza? Kramer enters. He is flinging a slinky.
GeorgeBrother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.
JerryOh a slinky. Where did you get it? over it. Kramer leaves. Jerry’s girlfriend appears at the doorway.
KramerSister Roberta gave it to me.
JerryWhy did she give you that?
KramerI think she liked me.
JerryWhat do you mean she liked you?
Kramer*Liked* me.
GeorgeKramer, they like everybody. They’re friendly people.
KramerNo. I think I picked up on a vibe.
JerryYou picked up on a vibe, from a nun.
KramerYeah, Jerry I’m telling you I have this power. And I have no control
JerryOh hi. Jerry’s girlfriend: I just wanted to stop by and see how you were feeling.
Jerry(weakly) A little better. *fake cough* Jerry’s girlfriend: If you need anything let me know.
JerryOkay. All right bye. medicine cabinet.
GeorgeStory.
JerryShe’s subletting Carol’s place for a month.
GeorgeShe likes you.
JerryYeah but there’s a problem. I found a tube of a fungicide in her
GeorgeSo? Did you see a name on the tube?
JerrySo I don’t know what she’s using it for.
GeorgeWell how do you even know it’s hers? Maybe it belonged to Carol.
JerryI didn’t even think to look. At Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment. Jerry knocks on the door *knock, knock, knock* Jerry’s girlfriend: Hi.
GeorgeWell take a look. It might not even belong to her.
JerryYeah.
GeorgePeople always leave old things in their medicine cabinet.
JerryYeah I’ve got this old bottle of cough medicine.
GeorgeI still have brill cream.
JerryHi. Can I use your bathroom? Doctor (name?): No of course not. People ask me medical questions all the time.
ElaineYou sure you don’t mind?
ElaineWell the question isn’t even for me it’s for a friend. went to podiatry school. Which I’m sure is very grueling in it’s own way.
DoctorElaine, I’m used to it. I’m a doctor.
ElaineWell… podiatrist.
DoctorHuh?
ElaineNo no, I’m just saying you didn’t really go to medical school, you
DoctorI went to podiatry school because I like feet. I chose to work with feet.
ElaineI like feet too. I’m just saying… In Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment. She knocks on the bathroom door. *knock, knock, knock* Jerry’s girlfriend: How are you doing in there?
DoctorSaying what?
JerryFine all done, just looking for the soap. Jerry is looking around for the bottle of fungicide. Jerry’s girlfriend: No soap?
JerryNo I don’t see it. Jerry finds the bottle of fungicide and picks it up. Jerry’s girlfriend enters the bathroom with soap. Hastily, Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in his pocket. Jerry’s girlfriend: (giving Jerry the soap) Here you go. At George’s parent’s house. George is in the bathroom with his Latvian Orthodox books. *knock, knock, knock*
EstelleGeorge what are you doing in there? At Kramer’s apartment. Sister Roberta is knocking on the door. *knock, knock, knock*
GeorgeWhat? Nothing.
FrankYou’ve been in there an hour.
EstelleYou don’t feel well?
GeorgeI’m fine.
EstelleI want to know what you’re doing in there.
GeorgeNothing.
FrankGeorge, open the door.
GeorgeNo.
EstelleGeorgie.
GeorgeNo!
KramerHey. another toy I thought you might like.
Sister RobertaGood evening. I hope I’m not disturbing you, but I found
(Commercial)
At Jerry’s Apartment.
JerryOkay, Latvius was the son of which apostle? And I’ll need that in the form of a question.
GeorgeI don’t know. I can’t believe they’re making me take this test. Elaine enters.
JerryHey, did you talk to the doctor? bottle of fungicide.)
ElaineNo.
JerryAll right, the next time you see him show him this. (He presents the
ElaineYou *took* her medicine. are you seeing him again?
JerryNot on purpose. I was hoping there would be a name on the tube. When
ElaineI don’t know. We got into this whole thing about how podiatrists aren’t real doctors.
JerryHow could you say that? Elaine starts to leave.
ElaineIt’s you fault. You just got me thinking.
JerryI was merely speaking extemporaneously.
ElaineI’ve got nothing against the foot. I’m pro-foot.
JerryMe too.
ElaineDo you think I should call him and apologize?
JerryYes. He’s a doctor.
JerryWait a second. Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaine’s purse.
Jerry(to George) What are you doing? you’re cheating on your conversion chest? Kramer enters.
GeorgeWhat does it look like I’m doing?
Jerry(Reading words George wrote on his hand) "Matthew, Luke, Paul", what
KramerI told you. feelings inside of her. She’s questioning her faith. She’s thinking of leaving the church. Oh, uh, this power. I’m dangerous Jerry, I’m very very dangerous.
JerryWhat?
KramerI told you she liked me.
JerryWho?
KramerSister Roberta.
JerryHow do you know?
KramerShe told me. She said she’s never had a man stir up all of these
Father-priest: I must say George, I was somewhat surprised at the results of
your conversion test. I don’t recall having seen such an impressive
performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the Lord.
GeorgeOh, I’m I’m full of it Father. Father-priest 2: (muttering something to Father-Priest 1) …(mumble)… Kramer …(mumble)… Father-priest: Yes, yes I see. (To George) I’m sorry something has come up.
GeorgeOh, I understand. Kramer enters.
KramerUm, you wanted to see me Father? Father-priest: Yes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta came to see me yesterday.
KramerI know what this is about Father. I didn’t do anything. I just spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. It’s just that, that I have this power. Father-priest: Yes. Kavorka.
[I wouldn’t mind having "Kavorka" myself ;) ]
KramerKavorka? Father-priest: It is a Latvian word which means "the lure of the animal".
KramerI don’t understand. Father-priest: Women are drawn to you. They would give anything to be possessed by you.
KramerHelp me Father. Help me. Father-priest: Yes, yes I will help you. Listen very carefully. I want you to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces… The hallway by Jerry’s apartment.
JerryWhat is that stench? I got it. (He follows the smell to Kramer’s door) Ah hah. *knock, knock, knock* Kramer opens his door. He is wearing a ring of garlics around his neck.
KramerHey. He closes his door.
JerryHey. What are you doing?
KramerI’ve got the Kavorka Jerry.
JerryThe Kavorka? What’s that?
KramerThe lure of the animal. I’m dangerous.
JerryWhat is this thing around your neck?
KramerThe priests they’re helping me. I just bathed in vinegar.
JerryYou know you’re funcifying the whole building.
KramerKeep away Jerry. Keep away.
JerryKramer. *knock, knock, knock* Kramer. | CONVERSION CEREMONY | | FOR | | GEORGE COSTANZA | | 3:P.M. | | | | | | | +---------------------+ The sign is on a black background with white stick-on letters. A woman reads the sign.
+---------------------+
WomanGeorge Costanza? Estelle’s son? At George’s parent’s house.
EstelleLatvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this? control.
GeorgeFor a woman.
FrankA woman? What are you out of your mind?
EstelleWhy can’t you do anything like a normal person?
FrankWait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?
GeorgeNo it’s a regular religion.
FrankI’m calling my lawyer. It might not be too late to get out of this.
GeorgeI don’t want to get out of it.
EstelleGeorge, you don’t know what you’re saying. You’re under their
FrankWhat, they brainwashed you? At Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment. Jerry’s girlfriend: Oh how you doing Jerry?
GeorgeNo no.
FrankYou’re not performing any rituals in this house.
EstelleGo back to the psychiatrist. I beg you.
FrankAnd stay away from those squirrels.
JerryGood. What’s the matter? Jerry’s girlfriend: I’m tired. I hardly slept last night with all this scratching. Bonkers was going crazy.
JerryBonkers? Jerry’s girlfriend: My cat. He’s got this weird sort of skin condition. Some type of fungus, I couldn’t find his medicine.
JerryOh it’s your cat! Jerry’s girlfriend: What?
JerryOoh, nothing. Father-priest: What did you say?
Father-priest: Are you ready my son?
GeorgeYes faddah.
GeorgeWhat? Father-priest: I thought you said faddah.
GeorgeI said faddah, I meant Father. Just a little bit nervous. Outside on a sidewalk. A woman is waiting for a cab. Kramer walks up to her.
KramerHow you doing? her.
WomanGet away from me you creep. (She walks away.)
KramerYes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta I’ve still got time to catch
Church music plays.
George is dressed in a white church gown.
He walks down the church aisle carrying a candle.
Father-priest says some Latvian words.
Kramer is running down the street going to the church.
The church music is still playing.
George takes a drink of some wine. He spills some on his gown. He makes a
hand motion on his gown.
Kramer is still running to the church.
The church music is still playing.
Father-priest: Congratulations George. Welcome to the faith. Sister Roberta
would you please offer the final benediction.
Sister Roberta(hesitates) I can’t. (crowd murmurs) I’m sorry. It’s a beautiful religion, but I am not worthy of it. I found something else. Kramer enters the church.
Sister RobertaHim. At Elaine’s apartment.
CrowdKavorka, Kavorka.
Elaine*kiss, kiss* Because I love the foot. I’m a big fan of the foot. going to the ear guy.
DoctorWell it’s my fault. I got a little defensive.
ElaineAnd that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable is the pinkie toe.
DoctorIt’s my favorite toe.
ElaineLet’s face it, you get a bunion, where are you going? You’re not
DoctorNo you’re not. *phone rings*
ElaineI’ll be right back. back. The doctor is in Elaine’s bathroom. He peeks into the medicine cabinet and finds the tube of fungicide.
DoctorOh uh, where’s the bathroom?
ElaineIt’s right down here to the left. I will meet you right back here.
JerryElaine it’s her cat. Her cat had the fungus. So I need the tube
Doctor(Thinking to himself) "Fungicide"? Fungus? really need to take a bath. You stink.
Sister RobertaSomething’s wrong. I don’t feel the same lure.
KramerYou don’t?
Sister RobertaWhat have I…? I must return to the church. By the way you
KramerYeah yeah. At Monk’s George’s girlfriend: For me?
(Commercial)
GeorgeWell I didn’t do it for my mother. George’s girlfriend: I’m really flattered. But I just don’t feel ready to make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia.
GeorgeLatvia? George’s girlfriend: Yes. I’m going to stay with some relatives there for a year. Isn’t it great?
GeorgeEnjoy, enjoy. George’s girlfriend: Oh George, you are so sweet. Don’t ever change.
GeorgeI’d like a doggie bag for this please.
[END SHOW]