The gang visits the Hamptons — and George's girlfriend sees Jerry's girlfriend topless, leading to a chain of retaliatory nudity.
They'll fight the traffic and the heat and the parking and the hot sand.
Trying to get through the waves, and the ironic thing is the ocean doesn't
even want us in there. That's what surfing is. Surfing is the ocean
throwing us out of itself, you see? We keep trying to paddle in, the
ocean's saying, "No you don't." The ocean is like a nightclub and the
waves are bouncers tossin' us out. The undertow's like a really mean
bouncer. Instead of throwin' you out, they take you in back and rough you
up a little bit. "Oh, you wanna come in? How 'bout comin' in like 25
miles?"
% Jerry driving in his car, with Elaine in passenger seat and Kramer in
back seat.
KramerAll right, get off at the next exit. the Hamptons out of it.
JerryKramer, I've driven to the Hamptons many times, I know the exit.
KramerIt's a great house, pool's something? Yeah, I'll be there.
Jerry(To Elaine) You sure we're makin' the right move?
ElaineWe gotta see the new baby anyway, at least we'll get a weekend in
JerryDidn't they just have a baby? Bay-Bee! You gotta see the Bay-Bee!'
ElaineThat was two years ago, remember? 'Jeh-Ree, you gotta see the
JerryIs it possible they're just having babies to get people to visit them?
KramerHey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear? should be almost there by now.
JerryNo.
KramerPut that on the top of your list.
JerryNo, not for me. A little too delightful. Well, George and Jane
ElaineOh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending the weekend together?
JerryI know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent.
ElaineWhen's Rachel comin' out? see her again after that Schindler's List make-out session.
JerryShe's makin' the three o'clock train.
ElaineHer father is so religious, I'm just amazed that he's letting you
JerryI bought him some kishka. case they're captured behind enemy lines, they eat it and it kills them. % George and Jane in another car driving to the Hamptons.
KramerWhat's that?
JerryIt's kind of a stuffed meat thing. Israeli soldiers carry it. In
GeorgeI never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love. amazing. If I reach out and touch her breast right not, she'd scream and throw me out of the car. But at this time tomorrow, I could touch it all I want.
JaneMe too. I love cough medicine.
GeorgeYou see? We were made for each other. (Thinking to himself) It's
JaneWhat's your favorite? private club. I'll be the same me tomorrow, but suddenly, the no trespassing sign will be gone.
GeorgePertussin. Ever try it with club soda?
JaneNo.
GeorgeOh, very refreshing. (Thinking again) Sex is like joining a
JaneAre we almost there? vegetable stand.
GeorgeYeah, about ten, fifteen minutes. But I have to stop at a
JaneWhat for? % George, Jane, Kramer, and Jerry outside of the house in the back.
GeorgeMy mother loves Hampton tomatoes. She's nuts for Hampton tomatoes.
JaneCan you buy 'em later? I really wanna get some... sun.
KramerHey Jerry. Rub some lotion on my back. fifty cents in change on the bottom of the pool.
JerryWho are you, Mrs. Robinson?
KramerCome on, I'll rub some on yours.
JerryNo, that's no sweet'ning the deal. No.
George(To Jane) You know, when I was a kid, I once found a dollar and
Jane(No feeling in her voice) You must've been excited. for a ride?
GeorgeYeah. Hey, you know, I gotta go get these tomatoes. You wanna go
JaneI don't think so. with a shady hat on)
George'Kay. I'll uh, I'll see you later. Anybody want some tomatoes?
JerryNo thanks.
KramerNo. (George leaves for the tomatoes)
JaneI'm gonna take a dip. (She leaves for beach, Elaine enters
JerryAnd then there's Maude. (She sits down next to Jerry) wanna come?
ElaineLook at my face, look at it. You see any lines?
JerryNo lines.
ElaineYou know why? One word: shade.
JerrySo when're we gonna see this baby? When is the momentous event?
ElaineI don't know. They're takin' a nap or something.
KramerI'm gonna go see if there are any girls on the beach. Elaine, you
Elaine(Sarcastic) No thanks. I got plenty of girlfriends. enters)
Jerry(Looking toward beach) Oh this is interesting.
ElaineWhat?
JerryJane's topless. (They all look)
KramerYo yo ma.
JerryBoutros Boutros-Ghali.
ElaineNice rack. (Carol and Michael inside open back door)
CarolCome on, you guys. You can come on and see the bay-bee!
JerryOh, in a minute, Carol.
KramerWe're gonna be right there.
JerryThis is weird wild stuff. George hasn't even seen her yet.
ElaineWhy do you think we're getting the sneak preview?
KramerMaybe she's trying to create a buzz.
ElaineWhat?
KramerYou know, get some good word of mouth goin'.
JerryOh, here she comes. (They pretend to not have watched as Jane
JaneI'm thirsty. Anyone want a drink? to the beach. % Carol enters the Bay-bee's room with Elaine, Jerry, and husband Michael not far behind.
JerryNo thanks.
ElaineI'm good.
KramerDeh-deh-deh-deh- (Jane exits) All right, show's over. I'm goin'
CarolAdam (the baby's name), Jerry and Elaine are here. and turn away)
ElaineOh, he's a cute little shnugly baby.
CarolIsn't he gorgeous? (Elaine looks at baby, only to be frightened
ElaineUgghh. % Cut to Kramer on the beach with some girls, then using a metal detector, then seeing a rope leading to something he doesn't know of yet. % Jerry and Elaine gasping for air outside after they just left the baby's room.
CarolIs she gorgeous? (Elaine + Jerry looking away)
ElaineOh, gorgeous, yes.
JerrySo very gorgeous.
CarolMichael, shut the door! You're letting bugs in.
JerryIs it me or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen? And, you know, the thing is, they're never gonna know, no one's ever gonna tell them.
ElaineUh, I couldn't look. It was like the Pekinese.
JerryBoy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool. (They sit)
ElaineOh, you have to lie. % Cut to Kramer reeling in a box of lobster on the ocean. % Carol and the bay-bee's doctor with the bay-bee.
JerryIt's a must lie situation.
ElaineYes, it's a must lie situation.
JerryYou know, I don't think we should tell George we saw Jane topless.
ElaineNo, I don't think so.
JerryYou know, we might want to tell Kramer.
BenOh this ointment should do it. have a baby. I'm just dyin' to have a baby.
CarolHow are you feeling, Adam? (She sees Elaine in the hall) Elaine!
(Elaine enters) This is our pediatrician, Ben Feffa.
ElaineHi.
CarolLook at him, Elaine. How gorgeous is he? I ask you, how gorgeous?
Elaine(Looking at Ben) Pretty gorgeous.
BenElaine, you have children?
ElaineMe? Oh no, but I'd love to have a baby, I mean, I can't wait to
BenA beautiful woman like you should. You're quite breathtaking.
ElaineBreathtaking? I'm breathtaking? quickly looks away from the baby)
CarolAnd he's very particular. Ben, you're staying tonight, right?
BenSure. (Elaine celebrates to herself as Jerry enters and
JerryAh, I'm gonna go pick up Rachel at the station. comment) % Jerry and Rachel outside.
ElaineYeah, see ya.
JerryOkay. (He leaves)
CarolOh, just look at him!
BenYeah, he really is breathtaking. (Elaine confused by his
RachelTrain was so crowded. I had to sit in the seat facing the wrong way.
JerryOh I like that. It's like going back in time. (George comes outside)
GeorgeHey Rachel! apples. You know it's funny, the tomato never took on as a hand fruit.
Rachel(Quickly gets out of seat) Hi. I'm gonna go in there to change.
(She leaves)
GeorgeWhat kind of a greeting was that?
JerryShe's got greeting problems.
GeorgeYeah. I love Hampton tomatoes. You know, you can eat 'em like
JerryWell, the tomato's an anomaly. So successful with the ketchup and the sauce, but you can't find a good one. (Kramer enters with a box of lobster)
KramerHey, hey, hey! Look at what I got! dinner...
GeorgeHey! Wow, the K-Man! (They walk into the kitchen inside)
JerryYou got lobster for everybody?
KramerYeah, and they're fresh! Right out of the ocean.
GeorgeThis is fantastic. Man, what a weekend. Swimming, lobster for
KramerI know, it's great. And I saw Jane topless. (Jerry shows that 'damn' expression behind George)
GeorgeYou saw who, what? upstairs, I'll be right back.
KramerYeah, I saw Jane topless. Well, we all saw her.
Jerry(Jerry realizes the situation is hopeless) All right.
GeorgeYou saw Jane topless?
JerryWell, when you went for the tomatoes she lied out topless.
GeorgeOh you mean face down on her chest.
JerryNo.
GeorgeFace up on her back?
JerryYeah.
GeorgeWell why'd she do that?
KramerI guess she was hot.
GeorgeYou mean she just laid there topless?
KramerNo, no, she got up, walked around...
GeorgeWalked around? And you looked?
KramerOf course. She's got a great body, buddy. All right, I'm gonna go
GeorgeI can't believe it, you saw her before me. sketch artist...
JerryThink of me as a doctor. (They go outside again)
GeorgeWell, how good a look did you get?
JerryWell what'd you mean?
GeorgeWell, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police
JerryThey'd pick her up in about ten minutes. naked.
GeorgeGreat, great. So anytime you want you can just visualize her
JerryI guess that's true... this situation, Jerry. I don't like it one bit.
GeorgeStop it, stop it! It's not fair. It's not fair. I don't like
JerryWhat do you want me to do? You wanna see Rachel naked? you jump out first. % Jerry and Rachel in their room, with Elaine there as well.
GeorgeYes, yes! The punishment should fit the crime.
JerryYou can see me naked. I can offer you that.
GeorgeIt's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang and
ElaineNobody ever called me breathtaking before. breathtaking?
JerryI've never been called breathtaking either.
ElaineI mean, if he thinks that that baby's breathtaking, then who's not
JerryMaybe he just said it because the mother was in the room. George) Oh, don't go in, Rachel's getting undressed.
ElaineYeah, right, that's a possibility. I have to find out.
JerryHow are you gonna do that?
ElaineI can be very clever.
RachelI'm gonna take a swim.
ElaineOh, me too. I'll meet you down. (She goes in the hall and sees
GeorgeOh, okay. (Starts to walk other way and then walks to their room and goes in)
RachelHey! seen before.
GeorgeOh, sorry.
RachelDon't you knock?
GeorgeI'm sorry, uh, it's not like I'm gonna see something I've never
JerryYou might have. want?
GeorgeI didn't.
JerryYou won't.
RachelWhat'd you want anyway, George?
JerryYes, George. I'm kind of wondering myself. What is it what you
GeorgeNo, I was just wondering... if you guys, uh, had any gum. objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left. (Rachel walks down hall, walks in on George changing out of his swimsuit)
JerryOh! So you were swimming in the pool, and you wanted some gum.
GeorgeYes, because the water was cold... and the chewing warms me up.
RachelWe don't have any gum.
GeorgeOkay. (Chewing) Thanks anyway. (Continues to chew as he exits)
RachelStrange man.
JerryWait'll you get to know him.
RachelSo where is this baby, anyway?
JerryOh, check it out. I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so
Rachel(She screams) Oh my God! I'm sorry, I thought this was the baby's room. I'm really sorry. (She exits)
GeorgeI was in the pool! I was in the pool! % Jerry and George talking in Jerry's room.
GeorgeDid she do it on purpose? cold...
JerryIt was my fault, I told her the wrong door.
GeorgeI was supposed to see her. She wasn't supposed to see me.
JerrySo what?
GeorgeWell ordinarily I wouldn't mind. But...
JerryBut...
GeorgeWell I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was
JerryOh... You mean... shrinkage. misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.
GeorgeYes. Significant shrinkage!
JerrySo you feel you were short changed.
GeorgeYes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's under a complete
JerryWell, so what's the difference? everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?
GeorgeWhat if she discusses it with Jane?
JerryOh, she's not gonna tell Jane.
GeorgeHow do you know?
JerryWomen aren't like us.
GeorgeThey're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about
JerryNo, I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage. Besides, I think women know about shrinkage.
GeorgeHow do women know about shrinkage? (They see Elaine walking down the hall) Elaine! Get! (She enters) Do women know about shrinkage?
ElaineWhat do you mean, like laundry? % Everyone at the dinner table eating Kramer's lobster.
GeorgeNo.
JerryLike when a man goes swimming... afterwards...
ElaineIt shrinks?
JerryLike a frightened turtle!
ElaineWhy does it shrink?
GeorgeIt just does.
ElaineI don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
MichaelThanks for the lobster, Kramer. die, you're gonna get some special attention.
KramerRachel, aren't you gonna have any?
RachelOh, no, I can't. I'm kosher, we don't eat shellfish.
KramerYou mean you've never tasted lobster?
RachelNo.
KramerWow. You're so pious. I really respect that. You know when you
CarolOh, the baby's crying. I'll go get him. He can sit with us. Elaine +
JerryNo! We're not fun for a baby.
JerryNo, you don't wanna do that. You'll be uncomfortable.
ElaineYeah, finish eating. The baby's not gonna have any fun over here.
JerryYeah, the lobster'll scare him. bigger, and now it shrunk. You see, that's what water does. It shrinks things.
CarolI'm gonna get him.
GeorgeSee, look at this. Rachel, my T-shirt shrunk. It used to be much
ElaineReally? Tell us more, Mr. Science. (Rachel whispers in Jane's ear, which prompts Jane to laugh)
GeorgeWhat're you doing? What're you, telling secrets? What're you laughing at?
JaneIt's nothing, George. about me?
GeorgeYou know, it's very impolite to tell secrets. Are you talking
JaneWhat is it with you? Fleesher's Market?
Jerry(To George) Easy big fella.
MichaelSo Kramer, where'd you get all these lobster, at the
KramerNo, I got 'em in the ocean. lobsters came up.
MichaelThe ocean? What'd you mean?
KramerWell, I found this rope and I kept tugging on it, and all these
MichaelThose are commercial lobster traps. You can't take those lobsters from there. That's against the law.
KramerTake it easy. There's plenty of lobsters in the ocean for everyone.
MichaelMy father was a lobsterman. He got up every morning at four and came home every night stinking of brine. He sent me through law school with the lobsters he caught! (Kramer stands up from table)
Carol(Entering with baby) Here he is. % Out on the porch, Ben and Elaine.
KramerAhhh! (Falls to floor as he sees the baby)
ElaineSome night, huh? you use a word like breathtaking to describe a baby, I mean, because you also used it referring to me.
BenYeah, I wish I had my telescope.
ElaineSome dinner, huh?
BenNothing like fresh caught lobster.
ElaineSome house, huh?
BenIt was built by Mark Farman.
ElaineSome ugly baby, huh?
BenWhat did you say?
ElaineI said, uh, some snuggly baby.
BenHe is something.
ElaineWell, to tell you the truth, Dr. Feffa, I , I was surprised to hear
BenWell, you know Elaine, sometimes you say things just to be nice. (Elaine relieved, then confused, not knowing if he was being nice to her or to the baby) % Rachel and Jerry in their room.
JerryYou told her? with this stuff, not us. I'm sure it wouldn't matter to Jane. % In Jane + George's room, Jane is packing her things.
RachelYeah, what's the big deal?
JerryYou don't understand. This organ, it's very... schizophrenic.
RachelJerry, what the difference? You know, you're the ones obsessed
GeorgeYou're going back to New York now? that's what I think.
JaneYeah, I have some things to do.
GeorgeUh huh. Uh huh! I think you spoke to your little friend Rachel,
JaneSo what if I did? that it could be, when in fact it is is all that it *should* be, and *more*!
GeorgeAnd she didn't say something to you about a certain something?
JaneI don't know what you're talking about.
George*I* think that *you* think that a certain *something* is not all
JaneI'm sure it is. % Rachel enters the kitchen with Kramer sitting at table. Rachel opens fridge and Kramer lights up a cigar.
GeorgeLook, you don't understand. There was shrinkage.
KramerLooking for this? (Holding up lobster) enjoying the lobster so much. I thought I little taste wouldn't hurt, huh?
RachelOh, Kramer! You startled me.
KramerWell, I thought you might wind up around here.
RachelYeah, well, I couldn't stop thinking about how everyone was
KramerI'm afraid I couldn't do that. % Rachel walks back into Jerry's bedroom.
RachelWhy not?
KramerWell, that wouldn't be kosher.
RachelC'mon, Kramer. I really want to try it.
KramerNah, I'm sorry, honey. Not on my watch.
RachelCome on, Kramer.
KramerHeyahhh!
RachelI just heard a car drive out. What was that? night. (Rachel shocked) % Breakfast table the next morning, George cooking.
JerryOh, that's just Jane driving home to New York in the middle of the
CarolGeorge, thanks so much for making breakfast. and Jerry enter)
ElaineGeorge, these are the best scrambled eggs I've ever tasted.
KramerI didn't know you could cook.
GeorgeWell, I'm just expressing my gratitude to our gracious host.
BenYes, George, the whole breakfast is breathtaking. (Rachel
RachelGood morning. saved me.
AllHey, hey.
RachelKramer, I just want to thank you again for last night, you really
MichaelWhat happened? this?
RachelWell, I almost tried the lobster, but Kramer stopped me.
KramerYou'd regret it for the rest of your life.
RachelYou're right, I would have.
Jerry(Referring to George) Hey, look at this guy.
GeorgeA little breakfast.
JerryYeah.
George(To Rachel) And, uh, you eat eggs, right?
RachelYes, I do, thanks.
JerryGeez, these are delicious. Where did you learn to make eggs like
RachelUmm... This is so good. these. (Holds up lobster bib)
GeorgeAh, enjoying them?
RachelMm-hmm.
GeorgeUh, good. You know, you might wanna try eating it with one of
RachelThere's lobster in these eggs? knocks on door, Michael answers)
GeorgeNot that much. You know, they tend to shrink in the water.
(Rachel storms out of room)
JerryWell, I guess I gotta go, too.
ElaineWell, this has turned out to be one *helluva* weekend. (Policeman
MichaelExcuse me? poacher that cleaned out on of the traps.
PoliceI'm sorry to bother you, but we're trying to track down a lobster
KramerWonder what's goin' on. waves to policeman) % George walks into Jerry and Rachel's room.
GeorgeAh, I guess I should go up and apologize.
MichaelThere he is, officer. (Michael points to Kramer, Kramer
RachelAhh! Don't you ever knock? % Jerry, Elaine, and George in the car.
GeorgeI don't know why Rachel had to drive back with Michael to town. car with you either.
ElaineHey, if you saw me naked, I wouldn't want to ride back in the same
JerryI still can't believe Michael finked on Kramer. % Cut to Kramer picks up trash on the side of the road, watched by a police officer. Back to the car.
ElaineHow is he gonna pay off a thousand dollar fine?
JerryThey got some sort of program.
GeorgeHey, there's a tomato stand, let's stop, I can get some more.
JerryHey, isn't that Michael's car?
ElaineThere's Rachel.
GeorgeWhere? (He looks out window and gets hit by a tomato)
[END SHOW]