Monk's Caf, the whole gang at a booth.

KramerAll right, Coney Island. Ok, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.

ElaineCouldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island? a salesman'.

KramerWell, yeah...

ElaineOk, what time is your job interview George?

George9:45

JerryRemember, don't whistle on the elevator.

GeorgeWhy not?

JerryThat's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in 'Death of

GeorgeWhat, you are comparing me to Biff Loman, very encouraging. The biggest loser in history of American literature.

ElaineAll right, I'm gonna go. flip a coin?

JerryWhat time is the lesbian wedding?

Elaine9:30

GeorgeLesbian wedding. How do they work bride and groom out, what do they

ElaineYeah, they flip a coin. thinking: "That's why I'm not heterosexual".

GeorgeWhat, was that not politically correct? It's a legitimate question.

JerryI'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that train (yawns)

GeorgeI get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're

KramerJerry, come on let's go, pick up the check so we can go. deadbeats. **************************** On the Subway.

JerryOh, I'm paying for breakfast?

KramerYeah.

ElaineYeah.

GeorgeYeah.

JerryWhy do I always pay? What am I made of money? You bunch of

GeorgeHow many tickets are you paying today? registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah. (gives George a ticket)

KramerWell, let's see: speeding, running a red light, no license, no

GeorgeNo doors? hundred bucks. *Blind violinist comes playing, with mug for the money. Everybody else gets some change, except George.*

KramerI'm fighting that one. You know, this is gonna cost me over six

GeorgeI can't carry any changes in these pants, it falls out. got to pick up my car at the pound. George?

Violin playerThank you.

GeorgeThat guy is not blind.

JerrySo, can I convince anybody to come down to Coney Island with me? I

GeorgeI can't believe they actually found your stolen car. aligned.

JerryNot only that they found it. It was simonized and the front end was

GeorgeThat's amazing. me.

JerrySo what do you say? Run in the cyclone. Hotdogs on Nathan's is on

GeorgeWhat are you? Satan? I'm close to a job here. It's my second interview with them.

JerryAll right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round? you?

ElaineI can't. I'm the best man.

JerryKramer, bumper-cars?

KramerI've gotta go to court, I'll get in trouble. What's the matter with

JerryCould be years before I get back to Coney Island. I can't go to rides alone. *Subway announcement: 42th street. Change to D,N,RR,2,3,4,5,7,C,E,F train.* *They all get off and go to different directions.*

ElaineSee'ya. ************************************* Another subway. Jerry comes in and sits down. Fat man across him gives a look. George gets on another subway. Sits next to a beautiful woman. They smile to another. Kramer rushes to yet another subway and tries to find a seat. Stumbles around as all seats get filled right before him. He squeezes himself to same seat with obese young man. Jerry is falling asleep and leans towards the next guy who leaves and Jerry falls in his seat. ************************************* Woman next to George rubs her leg and George looks at her.

WomanYou looking for a job? Looking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote. Oh, IBM up a quarter.

GeorgeMe, why?

WomanWell, you're reading the classifieds.

GeorgeOh, no no no. I was just looking for stock-pages. Here it is.

WomenYou didn't look like someone who needed a job. Bull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there.

GeorgeMe? No, no, I don't, I don't. Doing very well, very well, yep.

WomenSo, you're in 'the market'?

GeorgeYeah I'm, eh, in 'the market'.

WomenWhich market?

GeorgeWhich market, the, eh, big one, the big market, the big board.

WomenSo, do you work for one of those big broker-houses? Big broker-houses killed my father.

GeorgeThey wish. I hate the big broker-houses. Hate them with a passion.

WomanReally? story. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore then that I would never work for big broker-houses. See, all they care about is money. I'm about more than money, I'm about people, always gone my own way and I've never looked back. *Train horn blows and George looks back* ************************************* *Elaine's train. She's carrying a wedding present. A older woman approaches her*

GeorgeWell, they hurt him bad. Really hurt his feelings. It's a long

WomanI started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand.

ElaineIt's ironic. but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties.

WomenWhat's ironic?

ElaineThis, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress,

WomanNo, I mean what does 'ironic' mean? men and women.

ElaineOh...

WomanWhere are you up to, with such a nice present, birthday party?

ElaineA wedding.

WomenA wedding?

ElaineYeah

WomanHah, I didn't know people still get married. It's hard today with

ElaineYou're telling me. Women (talks to man next to her): My luck. I don't talk to a soul in the subway for 35 years. I get a best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves)

WomanSo, are they a nice couple?

ElaineOh, very nice.

WomanWhat does he do, if you don't mind me asking?

ElaineShe.

WomenShe? She works, he doesn't. He sounds like my son.

ElaineThere is no he.

WomenThere is no he. So, who's getting married?

ElaineEm, two women. It's, eh...lesbian wedding.

WomenLesbian wedding.

ElaineAha, yep. I'm the...eh...bes tman.

ElaineNo, no, no, you don't understand! I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian! ************************************* Kramer's train. A man leaves and lefts a newspaper to his seat. Kramer and another guy glance each other and rush to get the paper. The other man gets to it first and Kramer gets only little piece of one page. ************************************* Jerry's train. He is still sleeping and trying not to fall to the floor. Man across gives him a look. ************************************* *Elaine's train. Train is full packed.*

Elaine's voiceI'm really looking forward to this. I love weddings. Maybe I'll meet somebody, umm maybe not. *Train suddenly stops*

Elaine's voiceOh, man. We're stopping? ************************************* *George's train.*

WomanWell, this is where I get off. obviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or something.

GeorgeOh, you do?

WomanEh, hey why don't you...oh nothing.

GeorgeNo, no, what, what?

WomanWell, I was going to say: why don't you get off with me, but you're

GeorgeYeah, well.... *George is in agony thinking if he should go or stay. Then runs after her*

WomanYeah I knew it was a bad idea.

GeorgeHey, what's another million, give or take. I get off where and when I wanna get off. *He gets stuck between closing doors.*

GeorgeI'm stuck. Pull a little, just a second. Don't start the train! Don't start the train!! ************************************* *Kramer is reading a newspaper. Couple of men behind him are talking.* Man1: This, it's the fourth horse of the first race, Pappanick. Man2: How do you know it's going to win? Man1: My UPS-guy tells. Guys who own the horses are regular customers. Every horse he has ever given me has won. See, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot. He's been getting it light cause they've been using bug boy and the workout hasn't been published. Now they are ready to run with it. They are gonna break his maiden. It's going to go to great price, maybe 30:1. I'm telling you ,it's a lock. Man2: But it rained last night. Man1: Exactly, this horse loves the slop. It's in his bloodlines. His father was a mudda', his mother was a mudda'. Man2: His mudda' was a mudda'? Man1: What did I just say? Come on, let's go to the office, I'm going to call my bookie. Hey, don't tell anybody. *Kramer quickly turns away* ************************************* *Jerry wakes up and looks to guy opposite to him. The fat guy is naked and reading a paper.*

JerryO-K. You realize of course, you're naked? maybe a squat thrust?

Naked manNaked, dressed. I don't see any difference.

JerryYou oughta' sit here. There is a difference.

Naked manYou got something against naked body?

JerryI got something against yours. How about a couple of deep knee bends,

Naked manWho's got time for squat thrusts? 'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy.

JerryAll right, how about skipping breakfast. I'm guessing you're not a

Naked manI like a good breakfast. trapped in a room with bimbo broals(?) and pigtails, been counseled by Dick Gregory.

JerryI understand, I like good breakfast. Long as you don't wind up

Naked manI'm not ashamed of my body. *Naked man drops half of his newspaper*

JerryThat's your problem, you should be.

JerryDon't get up, please, allow me. *Jerry picks up the paper* ************************************* *Elaine is still trapped in a stopped train.*

Elaine's voiceOh, this is great. This is what I need, just what I need. Ok, take it easy I'm sure it's nothing. Probably rats on the track, we're stopping for rats. God, it's so crowded. How can there be so many people? This guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city? What is so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. What's that? I feel something rubbing against me. Disgusting animals, these people should be in a gage. We are in a gage. What if I miss the wedding? I got the ring. What'll they do? You can't get married without the ring. Oh, I can't breath, I feel faint. Take it easy, it'll start moving soon. Think about the people on the concentration camps, what they went through. And hostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? Think about that. This is nothing. No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare! Help me! Move it! Com'on move this fu(beep) thing!! Why isn't it moving?!? What can go wrong with a train!?! It's on tracks, there's no traffic! How can a train get stuck. Step on the gas!! What could it be? You'de think the conductor would explain it to us? 'I'm sorry there's a delay we'll be moving in 5 minutes'!! I wanna hear a voice. What's that on my leg?!! *Lights in the train go off* ************************************* *George and the woman step in to a hotel room.*

GeorgeAre you often on business trip? Nice...oh, hey nice ice-bucket. *She steps in to bathroom.*

WomanMake your-self comfortable.

George's voiceMake myself comfortable. What does that mean? Does she want me to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What if I take my clothes off and she still has hers' on? Then I really look like an idiot. She could get offended and leave. So maybe I should leave them on, but what then if she takes her off? Then she'll feel humiliated. 'Make yourself comfortable'. I got this unbelievable woman and this 'comfortable'-thing can ruin me. I got it! I take my shoes off and sit on the bed. There, that's comfortable. She can't accuse me being unconvertible. *She comes out from the bathroom, wearing a nightie.*

GeorgeGotta tell you I'm pretty comfortable. ************************************* *Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. He is talking with a guy behind in the line.*

KramerOh yeah, it's all set. They got the bug boy on him. his maiden.

GuyThe bug boy.

KramerYeah, the little father has run his hard out. They're gonna break

GuyReally? But, it's a little bit slow out there it rained last night. Born in the slob. His father was a mudda'.

KramerOh, this baby loves the slob, loves it, eats it up. Eats the slob.

GuyHis father was a mudda'? *Kramer gets to the cashier*

KramerHis mother was a mudda'.

GuyHis mother was a mudda'?

KramerWhat did I just say?

KramerHey,all right, 600 Pappanick to win. ************************************* *Jerry's train*

FGThey still have no pitching. Goodin's a question mahk. ...You don't recover from those rotator cuffs so fast. ************************************* *Elaine is in a stopped train with no lights.*

JSI'm not worried about their best pitching. They got pitching. ...They got no hitting.

FGNo hitting? They got hitting! Bonilla, Murry. ...They got no defence.

JSDefence? Please. ...They need speed.

FGSpeed? They got Coleman. ...They need a bullpen.

JSFranco's no good? ...They got no team leaders.

FGThey got Franco! ...What they need is a front office.

JSBut you gotta like their chances.

FGI LUV their chances.

JSTell you what. If they win the penant I'll sit naked with you at the World Series.

FGIt's a deal!

Elaine's voiceWhy couldn't I take a cab. For 6 dollars my whole life could've changed. What is that on my leg? I'll never get out of here. What if I'm here for the rest of my life? Maybe I'll get out in 5 seconds. 1 banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana, 5 banana...no, I'm still here! Still here! Why don't they start moving? Move! Move!! Move!!! *Train starts moving, lights get back on* It's moving! It's moving! Yes! Yes!! *Train stops again and lights go off* Motherf(beep-beep)!!! ************************************* *George and the beautiful woman are still in the hotel room. The woman is putting handcuffs on George and the other end to the backboard of the bed.*

GeorgeEh, gee, I hope you have the key for these things. *She steps in to the bathroom*

WomanOh, don't worry. I do.

GeorgeYou know, my mother used to walk around on our apartment just in her bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you, she was really disgusting, really bad body. If you could imagine uglier and fatter version of Shirley Booth. Remember Shirley Booth from Hazel. Really embarrassing, cause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who was worse looking than Hazel. Imagine the taunts I would hear.

WomanLike what? your mother to shame" *She comes out of the bathroom fully clothed*

GeorgeLike a "Hey your mother is uglier than Hazel. Hazel really puts

GeorgeWhat's going on? have to get going.

WomanIt was a pleasure doing business with you George, but I'm afraid I

GeorgeGet going? But we haven't really, you know.... ************************************* *Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. The race is on and Pappanick is slowly making ground* *Kramer is pounding himself imitating the jockey and shouts: Yes, yes, yes... *The winner is Pappanick*

WomanEight dollars? Eight dollars?

GeorgeWhat are you doing? You're robbing me?

WomenI wasted my whole morning with you for eight dollars?

GeorgeWait, wait a second, what are you doing?

WomanI'm taking your clothes.

GeorgeNo, that's my only suit. It cost me 350 dollars. I got it at Moe Ginsburg .

WomanBye George.

GeorgeNo wait, you can't just leave me here! Will I see you again?

KramerYes! Yes! I won, hey (shouts to cashier) *Kramer collects the winnings. A big pile of cash. Shows the money around. There is a big thug looking at the money.* *Kramer goes into the subway and sees that the thug followed him. He makes a run for it. Thug follows. Kramer steps out of the train and so does the thug. Kramer tries to jump back on the train, but door closes.* ************************************* *The naked man has put his clothes back on and he and Jerry are getting of the train.*

(Naked) man: I haven't had a hotdog at Nathan's for 20 years.

JerryFirst we ride the cyclone. *Jerry takes a deep breath*

(Naked) man: Chilly out.

JerryAah, French fries. ************************************* Kramer is running away from the thug and enters the train where the blind violinist is playing. Kramer knocks down the violin player and the thug picks Kramer up and looks for the money.*

ThugGive me the money. Give me the money! Police!" ************************************* Back to the Monk's caf. Jerry, Kramer and Elaine are sitting in a booth.

Blind violin player puts a gun to the thug's head and says"Freeze,

JerryNo, I never got the car. We were having such a good time, by the time I got to the police garage, it was closed.

ElaineToo bad. what we won! *Waves around a stuffed monkey*

JerryYou wouldn't believe what this guy put away at Nathan's. Look at

JerryYou want him? *George enters wearing a sheet.*

ElaineGet that out of my face.

JerrySo, you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris!

A young man at the counter yellsHare Krishna, Hare Krishna! punk?

GeorgeHow would you like a 'Hare Krishna' fist on your throat, you little

ElaineGeorge? *Kramer gets the check, looks at it and gets pile of cash and pays. Jerry and Elaine look amazed.*

JerryBiff, what did you whistle on the elevator?

GeorgeYou have my spare-key in your apartment, right?

JerryYeah, it's in the kitchen drawer.

GeorgeGive me your key, I gotta get it.

KramerWhat happened?

GeorgeNever mind what happened, just give me the key.

JerryCome on, I'll go with you.

ElaineHere, pay. (Gives the check to Jerry)

KramerWait, wait, wait...

[END SHOW]