Jerry's Pez dispenser causes a giggling fit at a piano recital — while George uses a phoney drug intervention to break up with his girlfriend.
Jerry's Apartment
George...pianist. A *classical* pianist. She *plays* the piano. She's a *brilliant* woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the *Waldstein Sonata*! The *Waldstein*!
GeorgeWe did a crossword puzzle together, *in bed*. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my *life*! Y'know? Jerry enters
JerryWere you talking? I couldn't hear anything. no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. *Once* in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand at all. She has the hand; I have *no* hand...
GeorgeI was telling you about Noel.
JerryOh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos...
George<em class="inline-stage">[sarcastically]</em> Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly funny...
JerryAll right, I'm sorry. What about her?
GeorgeWhat, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now?
JerryI know, you told me you like her, everything is going good.
GeorgeNo everything is *not* going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have
GeorgeHow do I get the hand? hand right from the opening.
JerryWe all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the
GeorgeShe's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go... see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself. Maybe I can get some hand that way. Kramer enters
JerryYeah, that sounds like somethin'...
GeorgeThen afterwards maybe we could all go out together. Y'know she'll
KramerHey, smell my arm... Smell it! think they have fleas there.
GeorgeWith all due respect, I don't think so...
JerryThat smells good, what is that?
KramerThe *beach*!
JerryThe *beach*?
GeorgeWhat, did you go swimmin'? It's 29 degrees out!
KramerI just joined the Polar Bear Club.
JerryYou joined the *Polar Bears*?!
GeorgeWhat the Hell is a "Polar Bear"?
KramerWell, it's these people-- they go swimmin' in the winter. They're terrific, I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating....
JerryYeah... So's shock therapy.
Jerry<em class="inline-stage">[with glee]</em> What is that, a Pez dispenser?!
KramerWant one? Yeah, I just bought it at the Flea Market.
GeorgeHey, what goes on there, exactly?
JerryYou don't know?
GeorgeNo, I-I-I know... <em class="inline-stage">[retreats back to his Chinese take out]</em> I know...
JerryYou think they have fleas there, don't you?
George*No*...
JerryYes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Market, and you
GeorgeAll right, I think they have fleas there. So what... How do they warm up their fingers?
ElainElaineI don't know how anyone does this. It must be *so* nerve racking...
JerryThey have a piano backstage they warm up on. when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet.
ElainElaine*No*, we would have heard it.
JerryWhat, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out?
GeorgeI told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? And don't applaud
Jerry<em class="inline-stage">[quickly whispering]</em> I resent that you said that! That's directed at *me*, isn't it?! A very elegant Noel comes out and sits at her piano.
JerryIs this okay? Can I do this? <em class="inline-stage">(he claps)</em> % Noel begins. Dramatically. It's enough to make a man reach for his % candy pooper. Jerry helps himself to a Pez, he stands Tweety up on Elaine's % purse on her lap. Elaine valiantly tries to hold back her laughter, % but it escalates from a giggle to a chortle to a chuckle to laughter % to snorting. Noel is visibly shaken and she has difficulty playing % with this anonymous distraction from one of the unwashed masses. Elaine % removes herself from the auditorium, all the while snorting and gasping % for breath, (we're talkin' full-on gales of laughter, here). Outside, % she runs into an old acquaintance.
SteveSomething I said? <em class="inline-stage">[no response]</em> It's John... Mollika. started laughing.
ElainElaineOh, oh, *John*... Oh, hi John... Hi...
SteveWhat're you doing down here?
ELAINEOh, I was just at this recital and Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg and I
MOLLIKAJerry's in there? I heard you guys broke up. just got back a month ago. He's kind of messed up. On drugs. I don't know what to do for the guy.
ELAINEWe did. We're just hanging out.
MOLLIKAREally. ... You really look great.
ELAINEOh, uh, thank you. Are you still friends with Richie Appel?
MOLLIKAOh, Richie, he's been doing comedy in L. A. for a few years. He
ELAINEHave you thought about an intervention? him into rehab. It's a very popular thing now.
MOLLIKAWhat's that?
ELAINEYou get all his friends in a room, They confront himm to try to get
MOLLIKAHe'd never listen to anyone. ... Except of course Jerry. He'd listen to Jerry. Jerry would have to be involved. He really respects Jerry.
Outside Noel's dressing room
ElainElaineI'm sorry. George, I'm sorry! place?
GeorgeWhat did you put the Pez dispenser on her leg for in the first
JerryI dunno, it was an impulse. I'm a *jerk*...
GeorgeWhat kind of a sick impulse does that??
JerryHow could I know she would start to laugh?
ElainElaineI'm sorry. I'm sorry. I *am*!
JerryCan we just go in already?
GeorgeWhat are we gonna tell her?
ElainElaineI'll tell her I was the one who laughed.
GeorgeNo, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then
ElainElaine<em class="inline-stage">[To Jerry]</em> Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later. E When I was outside I ran into John Mollika.
JerryWhat about?
GeorgeHey, hey! We're discussing something!
JerryI know, but I'm distracted now.
GeorgeWhat are you? A *baby*!? All right. Tell her.
JERRYReally John Mollika, they guy that used to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's he doing? Los Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. So I told him that he should do an intervention.
ELAINEHe's good.
GeorgeUh, can we cut to the chase?
Jerry"Cut to the chase"?
GeorgeYeah...
JerryWhat're you, "Joe Hollywood"?
GeorgeA lot of people say it.
JerryI would lose that.
George<em class="inline-stage">[Accusingly]</em> What's *that*?
Jerry"Lose that"? That's not a Hollywood expression!
George<em class="inline-stage">[Realizing full well it isn't]</em> ...Yes it is.
ELAINEAnyway ... So John told me that Richie is in town from
JERRYReally, an intervention ... *humiliated...
GeorgeY'know people, we got a situation over here!
ELAINEYeah, but he want's you to be a part of it.
JERRYMe? Why me?
ELAINE'Cause Richie really respects you and he would listen to you.
JerryY'know these things are *really* hard to load...
GEORGEAll right, OK, I'm goin' in.
JERRYWe've got to talk about this <em class="inline-stage">(to Elaine)</em>
ELAINEAll right.
[They Enter]
GEORGEHi, hi, hi, You were wonderful.
NOELNo..
GEORGEOh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry, ... Noel
JerryYou play a *Hell* of a piano.
ElaineYeah, I was really moved, *really* moved.
NOELWell didn't you hear that person laughing? I couldn't play. I was
ElaineWell, I'm sure it wasn't *at* you. N: I just crack my knuckles.
NoelWell then, what was she laughing at?
JerryPez?
NOELUh, no, No thank you. Did you see her?
GEORGEMe, uh, uh, no, ...
JERRYAnyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean only a sick twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
ELAINEMaybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.
JERRYEven if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed.
NOELI'll never forget that laugh for the rest of my life. <em class="inline-stage">[exits]</em>
ELAINEI'm sure she would apologize if she could. Probably somebody is holding her back against every fibre in her being.
GEORGEIf she want's to continue to have a fibre of her being she'll be very careful <em class="inline-stage">(hitting each other)</em>
[Noel enters]
GEORGEAll right, so are you ready, so we'll go out and get something to eat.
NOELI don't feel like it tonight.
JERRYWe'll be outside
ELAINEYeah
JERRYIt was nice meeting you By the way, How do you warm up your fingers before you play?
GEORGEWe'll have a good time N: I don't feel like it
GEORGEAh, come on N: I said I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!
GEORGEUm, all right, um, uh, I'll call 'ya. I'll call you and we'll talk on the phone. A telephone communiqu. Every thing is fine ok, uh, fine, .. <em class="inline-stage">[exits]</em> Anyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind. So Kramer says to Richie why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head? The club owner. So Richie goes ahead and does it.
[MONKS]
JERRYYou know I thing Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved with drugs in the first place.
ELAINEWhat? How?
JERRYA few years ago the comedy club had a softball team. Kramer was our first baseman You couldn't get anything by him It was unbelievable.
ELAINESo? What happened? and a month later he was dead.
JERRYWhat happened? The guy was like 67 years old, it was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia,
ELAINEShut up! an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational. All right All right. Goodbye.
JERRYAll the comedians were happy. He was one of these club owners nobodu liked anyway. But Richie was never the same.
ELAINEWhar about Kramer?
JERRYHe's the same!
[Jerry on phone at home]
JERRYAre you sure you want me John. I have spoken to Richie in two years. I don't have a good apartment for
[to Kramer] Remember Ricie Appel?
KRAMER<em class="inline-stage">(looks shocked)</em> Oh sure, the guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson? Buzzer
JERRYRight, we'll John Mollika is organizing some kind of intervention for him. We're having it here.
KRAMERCan I get in on that?
JERRYWhat do you think? It's like a poker game?
KRAMERIs Elaine going?
JERRYYeah
KRAMERWell, I knew him as well as she did.
JERRYYeah, but John invited her.
KRAMERSo what are you saying, you don't want me to intervene?
JERRYNo, intervene, go intervene all you want. I am just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening.
GEORGEIt's George came home from the beach
JERRYStop smelling your arm.
KRAMERYou know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just
JERRYHum, a cologne that smells like the beach. I can't believe I'm saying this, "That's not a bad idea." In fact he's a good friend of John Mollika and Richie also.
KRAMERTell me about it!
JERRYWhy don't you call Steve D'Jiff, he works in the marketing department at Calvin Klein.
[George enters]
GEORGEWell it's over. It's definitely over. I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of things to talk about.
JERRYShe broke up with you?
GEORGENo, but I can tell she's going to. I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation.
JERRYWhat was on the list? "no, maybe we could get together for lunch." You know what that means.
GEORGELet's see, How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car, why isn't Postum a more popular drink,
JERRYYeah, Postum is under-ratted,
GEORGEAnyway there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said
JERRYWhat's wrong with lunch? I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know it.
GEORGELunch is fine at the beginning then you move on to dinner. you don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted.
KRAMERI like the Jumble You ever do the Jumble? We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go out with some Dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.
GEORGEI have no power Do you understand? I need hand. I have no hand.
KRAMERBreak up with her
GEORGEWhat?
KRAMERYou break up with her. You reverse everything that way.
JERRYA preemptive breakup.
GEORGEA preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose.
[MONKS]
GEORGESo, I am have to going to break up with you. Well, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that smell. Oh yeah.
NOELYou're breaking up with me?
GEORGEI, ... am breaking up with, ... you.
NOELWow.
GEORGEShocked?
NOELI really am.
GEORGENever expected this did you?
NOELI thought everything was fine.
GEORGEWell, live and learn.
NOELI don't understand. You're breaking up with me. Didn't we have fun doing the crossword puzzles?
GEORGEKind of.
NOELI'm very confused.
GEORGEWell, I didn't mean to hurt you kid.
NOELI thought,...
GEORGENow, stop it ...
NOELWhat do you want, I can make you happy.
GEORGEWhen you're playing the piano do you think about me?
NOELI don't know.
GEORGEThis is what I'm talking about.
NOELOK, I'll think about you.
GEORGEAll the time.
NOELAll the time? ... OK, All the time.
GEORGEI can't hear you.
NOELAll the time. ALL THE TIME.
GEORGESee, It's not so hard.
[CALVIN KLEIN]
KRAMERGo ahead smell, smell
STEVEYeah, so?
KRAMERDo you recognize it? ... The beach.
STEVEWhat are you talking about?
KRAMEROh, I'm talking about the beach.
STEVEWhat about it?
KRAMERYou know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach?
STEVEThat is the dumbest idea I have ever heard. fish and sea weed? That's why people take showers when the come home from the beach. It's an objectionable offensive odour.
KRAMEROh, wait, Did you here what I just said?
STEVEDo you think people are going to pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead
KRAMERSo you don't think it's a good idea? The Intervention [NOTE: I may have confused the names of some of the male interveners below] To Elaine
GUYThe membranes get dried and it just starts bleeding. Since I was a kid so I have to stick tissue up there
ELAINE<em class="inline-stage">(very uninterested)</em> Uh, you have to work like that? To Jerry
GUYNobody minds Nobody has ever said anything to me.
OTHER GUYAre there any ice cubes? Kramer enters
JERRYIn the freezer.
OTHER GUYI looked. There aren't any ice cubes.
JERRYWell I guess there aren't any ice cubes.
OTHER GUYI can't drink this. It's warm! <em class="inline-stage">(walks away)</em>
GuyShouldn't we rehearse this a little bit before Richie comes?
SteveWhat's the plan?
JERRYDo I have to talk? I don't feel like talking.
OTHER GUYWell, if he's not going to talk I'm not going to talk either.
GUYNo, we all have to talk.
ELAINEWhat's the order?
GUYWe'll go in alphabetical order. First Roberta.
ROBERTAWhy am I first?
ELAINEAlbano is your last name.
ROBERTAThat's not my name any more. I'm divorced.
SteveI'll go first.
KRAMERHey. over Marty Benson's head?
JERRYHey.
KRAMERIs this the interference?
JERRYIntervention.
OTHER GUYWhat are you doing here?
KRAMERUh, is it all right if I stay for the intervention?
SteveHey, this is for close friends only.
KRAMERI'm a friend. Who do you think told him to pour the Gatorade
OTHER GUYLet him stay. Some old guys enter
KRAMERHey, you know I got someone to make up that cologne for me, big mouth.
SteveSomebody's going to make that crap?
Old GuyKramer! coming. We would go to his house and say, "What you don't want to be a polar bear anymore? It's too cold for you?" Buzzer
KRAMERHey, come on, these are some of my polar bear buddies.
OTHER GUYThey can't stay.
Old GuyWe're having a party here?
JERRYNo, we're having an intervention
Old GuyAn intervention? Who's intervening?
JERRYThere's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him.
OLD GUYSure, we used to do that when one of our polar bears stopped
GUYIt's him. George and Noel enter (Noel looks awful)
RobertaWhat should we do?
ELAINEHide!
JERRYIt's NOT a surprise party! Yeah <em class="inline-stage">(to intercom)</em>
GEORGEIt's George
JERRYYeah, come on up. ... It's not him.
GUYIf you don't go out with me it's because I'm a bar tender.
ELAINELook, I don't think this is appropriate right now.
GUYIs it because I have a tissue in my nose?
ELAINEYou're getting warm.
GEORGEWe just came from Chadway's<em class="inline-stage">(?)</em> What's going on. I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I got to thank Kramer.
JERRYWe're having the intervention for Richie.
GEORGEOh, right, right, the intervention. Should we leave?
JERRYWell, uh..
NOEL<em class="inline-stage">(happily)</em> Elaine, hi.
ELAINEOh, hi Noel
(Noel sits on couch with Elaine with Old Guy between them)
JERRYWell, you're looking well.
GEORGEJerry, let me tell you something, "A man without hand is not a man."
SteveEven if I were dragged through manure I still wouldn't put that stuff on. Old GUY; at least give me a pocket.
GEORGE<em class="inline-stage">(to Kramer)</em> This man is a genius. Genius!
SteveYou think so?
GEORGEI don't think so I know so, Kramer, come here I got to talk to you
Old ManThe male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch only the female has it. The male has pouch envy.
ELAINE<em class="inline-stage">(Chuckles)</em>
ELAINE<em class="inline-stage">(laughs)</em> Noel turns to Elaine. Jerry raises his eyes to heaven
NOELThat laugh. That's the laugh. That's it. You're the one. Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg.
ELAINENo, no. It was an accident. It really wasn't my fault. It was Jerry.
NOELYou put a Pez dispenser on her leg during my recital?. Noel exits, George chases her Richie and John enter
JERRYI didn't know she would laugh.
NOELYou lied to me George, you lied to me.
GEORGENo, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do? ... Where are you going?
NOELI ... am breaking up ... with you!
GEORGEYou can't break up with me. I've got hand.
NOELAnd you're going to need it.
JERRYHey Richie Later
RICHIESo what's going on?
JERRYIt was pretty ugly from the get go. he's not listening, He's hostile, he's talking back.
GEORGEI can't do these puzzles. telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the car with his father, and his father was trying to load one of them
JERRYSo he starts to get up He spots the Pez dispenser on the coffee table
GEORGEAh ah Pez dispenser.
JERRYHe picks it up - he stares at it - It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's
GEORGEWell they're hard to load. of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's hurt but Pez is all over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition.
JERRYTell me something I don't know. So as the father's trying to load it he loses control
GEORGEPoor kid. He's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on Pez. He's eating them like there's no tomorrow.
JERRYSo as he's telling the story he starts crying.
GEORGEWhat did you do?
JERRYWhat do you think? I gave him my Pez dispenser.
GEORGEWow
JERRYTwo hours later he checks into Smither's clinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday.
GEORGEWhat's a three letter word for candy?
JERRYI can't do those things.
[END SHOW]